hey there, been a while.

well anyway, i need advice, or help, or whatever you can call it. but i just need it. and i thought well why not get ALL the help you can get right?

theres this girl i met, shes pretty, and VERY nice. its been the second weekend weve been spending together at her place.

now, she has a kid, 11 months old (hes cute and funny :3 lol) and i like kids, and better yet, i didnt mind her having a kid already. basicaly simple, i am looking to enter into a relationship, but because of his last ex (who was VERY violent and sadly damaged her... in all ways) she has some kind of repulse towards guys as she told me. she also told me her past a litle, took her alot of courage, as this was over text she told me. and cant talk about it, or just dont have the courage to in person. now this weekend, we were a litle close, while watching T.V. i noticed something was wrong, i asked her and she said "im not yet comfortable to be this close yet, i dont want to piss you off thats why i didnt tell you, i didnt know how to tell you because i didnt want to be mean, or piss you off." i told her it was ok, that i understood.

help, advice, anything would do, im stuck with alot of questions in my head like "will we ever be more than friends?". and right now am kinda scared of rejection. nice girls like that are a extremely rare pearl in this world and i dont want to let this opportunity slip by. i want to take care of her, unlike any of her previous ex, who didnt want to accept the duty of a father, as i am ready too.

any questions, to clear up things is welcomed. and please, this is important to me, no useless posts...

thanks.

 

For now you've just gotta start by being there for her. I think such a woman would have her guard up around men and you don't want her to think you're just there to slip into her pants for a quicke and then vanish. Be a friend to her, a real friend and then eventually tell her how you feel. It'll give you time to show her you're serious about her and that you're someone who won't hurt her again. All the best friend, hope it works out.

 

just take it slow man. she'll come around with time, she said, "im not yet comfortable." some wounds take longer to heal than others. but in time she'll come to see you've been there for her & blah blah blah. you got her in the bag

 

The others have it right: bide your time and she'll be yours!

Still, there are some things you can do to help make her feel at ease and develop trust in you, something she sorely needs if she's as wounded as she claims..

First, ask her to have a conversation with you somewhere comfortable for her. Maybein a park, or in the corner of a quiet yet steadily-busy social place. No date, that has pressure associated with it, so keep it fun and lively, no movies or sit-down restaurants.

Once you've got her in a comfortable place, assure her that your feelings are genuine and sincere, and let her know that you have no intentions to rush her into anything she's not ready for. A good suggestion: Make a vow to swear off sexual contact of any kind for 3 months (6 months if you feel you can hold to that promise). That means for that set amount of time, you won't so much as stroke her bum or kiss her neck! This establishes a boundary, something she needs, and it shows your willingness to be there for her because you enjoy it, not because you're getting ass out of it.

Secondly, get in good with her son. Show her that you are ready to be a father by becoming that little tike's best friend! Let her handle the baths and diaper changing until she's comfortable enough to ask you to help with that, but don't be afraid to help make his food, sit there and feed him, play the guardian while he naps so she can have herself a rest, etc.

Thirdly, be patient and understanding. There will be things she does and says that wont make sense until she explains them further, much like that feeling you mentioned getting. Showing her that you're willing to help her heal by being there in whatever capacity she needs will go a long way towards securing her trust in you and her faith in men in general.

Fourthly, do NOT be afraid of rejection! She WILL reject you for now because of her exes, so don't let that get you down. Expect the rejection, know that it is a symptom of her pain and not a disinterest in you. If she wasn't interested in you, mate, she wouldn't take the time to be around you and explain how she's hurting and why. She already has the want to trust you, just nourish that and let it grow naturally.

Last, but not least, learn what makes her laugh and what makes her smile, and try to do or say whatever that is for her (a little bit at a time) each day. That slight reprieve from her pain when she's smiling and laughing will not only help her heal, it'll help secure you in her mind as a good and worthwhile man!

Keep your pecker in your pants but your affection on your sleeves and you'll do just fine, mate.

 

I just hope that you won't consider my post as being useless...

What if I told you that the wife that I have, for more that 20 (TWENTY) years, has heard about me, from one of her "best" friends, that I'm a... rapist?!?

It has taken me, when we've met, about 3 (three) months to convince her that her friend was just a BIG liar!!!

When the feelings and suspicions are "mixed", there are just real hard times for all the people involved!...

 

Like Everyone Has Said!

Stay the course it sounds like she cares and since pearls are so hard to find it sounds like she'll be worth the weight. My wife and I were dating about 4 months when I confessed my love to her she said, "I can't say it just yet, I've been hurt before when I had feelings for someone" Her and I have been together for over 27 years to date!:excited:

 

yup, I agree completely with the other posters-sounds like her ex really fucked her up and she just needs time to readjust to having omeone normal. On top of that she has an 11 month old, she might be going through some trama from having the child combined with everything from her ex-

be at her side man, be kind-curtious-loving and she will know that you are their for her after a little time!

 

take it slow, really really slow. be around her but don't push for it, don't be the one to initiate anything. she has to be the one to initiate now, otherwise she will view anything you do as pushy.

invite her out for walks with the baby, or even go shopping together for groceries for YOUR house, just tell her you'd like her company. it might sound like a mundane thing and in a way it is, but it's all part of building a routine and getting her comfortable. before you know it you'll be in a relationship without saying the words, and she'll start warming up to you.

 

thanks everyone and i appreciate it. Ovid your post was useful. i define useless as something that does not have to do with the topic or trolling/flaming lol

i think i was pushy a litle this weekend im not sure, not this morning she texts alot less than usual, but then again she says shes busy? im not too sure what to do now, i have asked to hang out again on the weekend of the 10th of march but she said she didnt know. so now i dont know what to do... i dont want to be pushy and continue to ask her, but i dont want to sound like i dont care anymore and not ask her... lol these things are so complicated.

honestly why do pricks have to come in before "the good guys" and ruin of damage our chances with those same girls?

EDIT: I could have been warned that this topic was moved lol i spent 15-20 minutes searching around in the generals forum

 

You got some well thought out advice here. Just make sure she isn't trying to use you as a meal ticket, it happens...

 

what do you mean by "meal ticket" lol

 

Some women will manipulate guys for their own gain but when you want some 'quality time', she isn't available or has some 'issues' that keep her from getting closer.


I'm not saying YOUR g/f is like that but it happens.

 

ish you misunderstodd there a litle bit... she not my girlfriend, but i friend i recently met. thanks for the advice btw.

but it looks like she has lost interest into talking to me or texting me i seriously dont know what to do now.

 

unless you have feedback, or anything to help me on the right path here, please dont post useless stuff like that...

 

.....

If you wanted a real relationship with her, when you're there be there to listen and all but you have to remember though she is still a woman and thinks like a woman. Maybe what she went through was horrible and no one should ever have to go through what she did but she might be trying to play hard to get. I'm not trying to come off as a dick by any means though, if you want to form a real relationship be there but also go out and do fun stuff, girls always like that and communication is the key to a good relationship.

 

i do want a real relationship, im military and work and live on base and she live 2 hours away, i try to be there as much as possible so weekends only for now i can be with her.

communications wise, ive never been good, asking questions about her i feel like there are no more questions to be asked or im not inventive enough.