I was in a relationship for over a year. Found out about 7 months in that he was attempting to hookup with other guys via text, and was even posting ads for sex on Craigslist. Loved the kid to death, but clearly soon after shit(life) went down hill and we parted ways. Most recently, I met someone who I felt to be "the one". Problem is, after about six months of "talking" with him, he basically begged me to avoid him so he wouldn't hurt me. He said that because I think he was feeling as though him and I were getting too close, and he still had major feelings for his Ex of a past 7 year relationship. Okay, fine whatever. That's a hell of a long time to be dating someone, but I just don't get it. In the 6 or so months I've known this kid, every single thing to come out of his mouth about his Ex was bad. How they would always argue, apparently fist-fight multiple times every month...... Yet, I didn't take his advice. I stuck around like a fuckin' dumb ass trying to "be something" with him. About 2 weeks ago he started talking to his Ex again and is now almost completely ignoring me. I can't blame him, cause he fuckin' warned me but it still irritates the fuck out of me that I always seem to be the one left alone and crying.

I just have this..... How can I put it?... I feel like I know that I'm never going to be happy. My home life sucks really really badly. I'm not even going to get too much into it, but my Dad is a drunk that got fired for drinking on the job and hasn't had a job in over 2 years. My Mom is supporting herself, me, my Dad, my Sister, my sisters boyfriend and my sisters one year old daughter. She's just a fuckin' nurses assistant feeding and housing 6 different people. I can't help out because it's just so damn easy to find jobs nowadays... So shit just sucks all around.

Being with someone though. Being able to pick up the phone and call someone that I know cares about me, makes me forget and not care about how awful home life is. It is the ONLY thing that makes me forget about how awful home life is. I used to be able to play video games to "get away" if you will. However a few months ago I sold my Xbox and Playstation just so I could get some food for everyone for a couple days. Gaming was all I had to get my mind off of being alone and depressed all the time. Now I don't even have that... It just seems as though me being happy is just never going to happen. I KNOW it's not, because I have blatantly given up. Unless some random dude finds me, I'm not ever going to bother putting myself out there. What's the fucking point? Just a waste of time and I know a month or two or three later, I'll be alone on my couch crying myself to sleep. As. Fucking. Usual. Winning the lottery would solve a few problems, but then raise even more most likely.

So whatever, any tips or words of wisdom would be okay. Or have you legit just given up too? If you have, tell me about it. Misery loves company.

 

Dont Give up

Life can take a lot longer than you imagine to finally show you the way. I sucked at relationships, I was shy, with no self esteem ( new I was worthy, but didnt believe other saw it) I was confused by sex and love, by morality and my own desires. I made friends, good friends, with women, but never a lover... I was too fucked up for that. At 30, I was in amazing shape, doing triathlons and martial arts, I was 5'2" of really handsome man, but couldnt see past my shortness, and since I didnt see how hot I was, women clearly saw how fucked up I was. My friends through me a " confirmed bachelor " party to pay me back for all the wedding and baby gifts I had given over the years.

I found my inner hero in Everquest, the lvl 55 cleric who would travel the world raising the dead. I was no one in the real world ( I wasnt, i had great friends and family, but without a wife and family I had failed) so I found myself online in worlds that werent real. I was 44, still 5' 2" but nows 220 lbs, not the 130lbs I was at 30. Then a knock on my door, and a woman who had been a friend for many years was there... Weve now been married 12 years, have 3 great kids, and Ive lost some but not all of the weight. I am here because places like this helped me discover much of my inner self, because I am sharing with real people trying to understand themselves like I did. I am more whole and self assured than I have ever been.
And surprise I think to many who think that open sexuality and full professed Christian belief are incompatible, its been the path God led me through all along. I wouldnt change any of those years I was so fucked up, because eventually it led me to here and now.

Your situation is far different from mine. At your age so many of your orientation have no desire at all for lasting relationships, and you seek one. Its a difficult world economically, sexually, family. There is little to guide you, and even a faith in God may be out of reach because the religion ( not our Savior ) has failed to see you as equal and worthy.

Dont give up... there is a life for you, waiting for you. The struggles and pain you face now will help define and refine the strengths youll carry into your future. The struggle will never cease, but it will change, and as you grow stronger youll find joy and peace and fulfillment and hope. If you dont believe.. then admit neither I nor you can prove God does or does not exist... Its NOT UP TO YOU to choose to believe, its up to him to choose you. So admit you dont know, and ask him if hes real. Tell him why you havent believed until now, graphically. Telling all the shitty details and why you have doubted. Then the ball is in HIS court. You asked, its up to him to answer..

The answer may find you immediately, in a few hours or weeks or years, when he knows you are ready.. In the meantime keep your heart and mind open, look around you for something good in your life. If you cant make a career noww, then find someplace to help others. Stop LOOKING for love and sex, and let it find you as you go out in the world.

And forgive me you and anyone else who might find a sermon an odd thing to see in a sex discussion website... but I felt touched by this young man who has too many years ahead to despair now....

 

Wow. ken. Honestly, thank you. That made me feel a little bit better.

 

Change a little thing first
to change a big thing.