Anyone here in a polyamorous relationship? Or do you know anyone that put serious consideration into attempting it?

 

Looked into it as an alternative way of leading the wife to like minded people who see a wider view of love and sex, thing is most de-emphasize the sex and The Loving Alternative gathering in State College PA are the vegan/vegetarian, sandals and socks types. Doesn't exactly model my meat eating and metal head personality.

 

Personally I do NOT...but I love the way you think!

 

Yes. I have four partners in an 8-person network. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Obviously it has difficulties but so do all relationships. And it's so rewarding. My life is full of love - I can't imagine anything better.

I'll come back to this later, lunch break's almost over.

 

Oh wow I must know your secret

 

It's not a secret. It just requires a lot of self-knowledge, honesty with yourself and 0thers, good communication skills, and the ability to either work through jealousy or the innate capacity to not experience it (that's called compersion, which I don't think is something that can be learned).

Read:
"Opening Up," Tristan Taormino
"More Than Two," Franklin deVeaux

You have to have a clear idea in mind of what you want out of non-monogamy. Do you want a swinging relationship, where you and your primary partner have sex with other people at the same time? Do you want an open relationship, where you and your primary partner have sex/dating/etc. with other people on your own? In those cases, the primary couple (husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend) are always central; the other partners are more casual, often limited to sex or friends with benefits.

In polyamory, it's about forming serious, emotionally committed, loving relationships with multiple people. It doesn't have to involve sex at all (one of my partners is asexual, but we're way more than "just friends"). There is still usually a primary partner, but that tends to mean "the person with whom my life is most entangled," not "the person who is more important than everyone else." For instance, Sir and I are primaries; we're married, live together, pay joint taxes, etc. But I don't love him more than my other partners. And one of my partners has a primary relationship with someone else, I'm his secondary.

I've got a lot of compersion, but I do sometimes feel jealousy. Actually, jealousy and envy, which are different things. Jealousy = not wanting someone else to have what you have ("that other woman is moving in on my man!"), envy = wanting what someone else has ("he takes her to expensive restaurants but he doesn't take me!"). The important thing to realize is that these are your own emotions, you can't say that other people caused them. "If only he took me to those restaurants, I wouldn't be envious." No, it doesn't work that way. You have to own your feelings and work through them. The books I mentioned have great information on how to do this.

Possibly the most important thing, which isn't often mentioned, that for successful poly relationships, you have to love yourself. You have to have self-esteem, self-respect. When all your partners are out on dates, what are you doing? - mooning around the house feeling unwanted, or doing something you enjoy that makes you feel good? When I get jealous/envious it's usually because I feel inadequate ("she's better!"), but if I concentrate on my own hobbies and talents and activities, I feel better about myself, and the inadequacy goes away.

 

Wow that was very informative. Thanks, I will look into that literature you mentioned.

 

Hmm, had to look this up because I was not sure what it was. It is an interesting concept. I don't know anyone in particular who is.

 

Hmm... I don't know anyone.

 

@VenusInFurze - thank you for your insight in this. I always thought we were special by letting a fuck buddy into our lives for threesomes, this is way beyond.

Now I can imagine and understand that you and your what you call primary relationship get to that level in a comfortable way. That a situation comes where there's 100% trust between partners and the ability to free the mind of jealousy and other negative feelings makes it possible to both get romantically involved with others without being hurt.

What puzzles me though is how the other lovers involved deal with that. If they're having other relationships as well, they must either have been able to get as far as you two got, or cheat on their significant other. If they don't, they must be satisfied with being part-time lover and all accept that you're giving others the love they get from you. I can imagine a lot of tension on the people on the side. That is, I don't assume all of these side lovers have freed their mind like you did and that you got yourself into some polyamorous "island" in this world - correct me if I'm wrong.

Just wondering - as others said, an "interesting concept" that I would like to understand better - not to apply it to our relationship but out of interest.

 

My wife started a poly relationship with me and one of her Cam customers. What you said about loving yourself and having self esteme is 100% correct. When she leaves i cant sleep and drink alone. The idea is cool but in practice it feels like "test driving" new relationships before you let the other go.

 

My wife and I have discussed a poly relationship off and on for a couple of years. I will have to read the books mentioned. We both feel like there could be more, but don't just want to sleep around with whomever comes around. I think more research is in order.

 

I've been in one, and while it is rare to find people whoa re up for it (in my experience) I feel that it was one of the healthiest relationships I've ever had.

 

Just saw this back in my alerts and realized I forgot to answer it.

We actually all are at about the same level - have "gotten as far." We're all poly, or else monogamous but okay with a partner being poly. There is no cheating. Everyone knows about everyone else, and consents to being in their relationships. I wouldn't be involved with anyone who cheated.

Love isn't commutative. I don't take it from one person and give it to another, other people don't take it from me, their partners don't take it from them. I love all my partners; there's no part-time about that. The amount of time I can be with them does vary, mostly because of distance and job/family schedules. But we all have other things going on in our lives. No one can be full-time with everything. And I think it's actually easier when we have more than one person to spend time with. Having to spend all my time with one person, and them having to spend all their time with me, would feel stifling.

There's one person in the network who isn't all that keen on it - one of my boyfriends has a girlfriend who hates me. She doesn't talk to me. I never go to his house so she doesn't have to see me. But she also doesn't tell him not to see me. She doesn't like it, but she accepts it. (I'm sure she has reasons, and I'm equally sure I'll never know them.)

But everyone else? We really are all on board with it, all of it. It's not that rare. There are plenty of polyamorous islands, when the right people come together. Most of us don't talk about it. We are everywhere though.