Ok, here is the story:

I am 37 and I have been married for 9 years this year. I am married to a women who is a good person and the mother to my 4 year old. She works, is a good mother and helped put me through college. Great family and I really don't have anything bad to say about her. She has a disease though. She is chronically depressed, has acute anxiety, agoraphobia, OCD and I knew nothing about this when we married. She is on 3 types of anti-depressives and needs 60mg of ritalin a day, just to get out of bed and take a shower. It seemed like the facade of being in a relationship either hid this from me or I overlooked it. I have always been a bodybuilder and into fitness. I was competitive in bodybuilding as well as powerlifting. I'm just a normal guy, nothing crazy, but the past couple years has started to take it's toll.

When we married, she wanted to have a child. I did too. We tried for a number of years. We finally Conceived my child and that was when the sex stopped. From the day of inception to the day we had sex again it was almost 18 months. She had no desire. I tried to understand. No sex at all when she was pregnant because of her anxiety and no sex after due to depression and post part-um. I was a jerking off fool, but I stayed faithful. She would not kiss me during this time, would not have any sexual play and also would turn my advances down. It sucked.

This lack of desire continued. We would have sex once and not again for several months. We maybe had sex 4 times a year. My son was now almost two and I met a girl and had a one time fling with her. It was cool because there were no emotions and it was something that helped get me by. It helped my ego, but I had never cheated on a girl before in my life. I felt guilty, but not too bad because I only saw it as fulfilling a need. A couple months later I met a young girl, 20 who seemed interested. I had a brief fling with her with the understanding that I was not leaving my wife, it was just sex. It too passed, but helped me out. I seemed to be able to emotionally detach and still felt love for my wife.

I had several affairs because my wife still showed no interest. I seemed to be able to attract younger girls, and it was cool for my ego for a while. I started to feel guilt for all the shitty things I did because I still loved my wife, but needed to feel important. As some of you know, with depression comes apathy and a sense of not understanding how a depressed person's actions can effect another.

I started to get mad at my situation and decided it was time for a divorce. I was almost done with college for my second career (I'm in the medical field),
and felt that I was in my last semester and I would wait until the semester was over and then file. I didn't know I would meet somebody else. I met a 23 year old girl who blew my mind. She is the best sex I have ever had in my life and has passion ..She is amazing in bed, fun to be with, a tad crazy, but I started to really like hanging out with her. I ended up not only having sex with her, but started a relationship that is still going on.

Here is the thing: Now that the semester is over and I am established in my field, money wise my wife and I are struggling. All the years of me going to school and raising my son along with my wife put us into heavy debt. I want to leave, but I can't afford it. My wife suspects something might be going on, but is apathetic. I have been sleeping in the basement for the last year because she allows our son to sleep in bed with her and it's uncomfortable in our small bed.

I just don't know what to do. I know I need to divorce, but circumstances dictate something else. I don't know what to do. I don't want to do this to any of us anymore...the cheating on my wife is unfair to her, the fact that I am having the other girl hang on and wait for a divorce is unfair to her, the fact that my son sees his dad always in a funk is not good for him and the fact that I live with guilt is not good for me. It's all a byproduct of my actions. I think I need some balls to finally say, "Ok, I'm doing this divorce thing" but I need to find them.

Does anybody have any advice for me? I'm a big boy, I can take constructive criticism.

 

Dude, You need to first get some finiancial planning advice to see what can be done with the debt, then you really need to be honest with yourself. It is not a good situation for anyone, and you will probably be better off for all of you to get the divorce, especially if you were not aware of her condition and she did not tell you. Not to be cold, but that is hell unfair, and all the bad emotions is not good for the child. If counseling is not possible, you need to get a lil place and move on, or else it will end very badly.

 

Time to grow up and be a man. Right now all it looks like is you used a woman to put yourself through school and want to dump her but all you will be is in the same or worse economic shape.

But past events by either of you, you using her and she probably hiding certain things from you are irrelevant and seems like the musings of a man trying not hone up to his responsibilities looking for a loophole that will make divorce ok in your mind and financially less a burden to you. But past events are just that, past and in the end do not mean anything. If the relationship sucks then get out of it. The blame game is for small minds and to convince friends and relatives you are better than her.

But you can take one step on the high road and stop continuing to use her and accept you are in for another stretch of financial difficulty as you breakup, pay debt and child support. Waiting now while both of you pay off the debt while you bang away at a girlfriend you are developing feelings for is just another way of using your wife. If you are done with her give her the chance to get on with her life. She is not an innocent in all of this and far from perfect but that does not give you the right to use her and play her like a fool.

By the way, how many of these young twenty somethings are banging you and having feelings for you because of your potential income and that not being able to live that way will mean no more young women to bang including the one you like now? That single and near broke is not nearly as attractive to them as near broke but married ready to divorce and think that means not near broke.

 

Thank you both for your reply. It's hard seeing how things really are when you are in the scenario, hence my reasoning for this post. I think it all boils down to me doing what is right. Thank you.

 

xD all I can say is that you sorta a loser.


=P Maybe, as a girl, I don't have the stigma of being labeled a bad person if I yell at my significant other.... and that's why your situation seems so head banging to me.


First of all, yes there are MANY ways those things you listed can cause problems, but dude. you didn't even try. fuck you. an emotionall needy mess like this is why I think the majority of men are pussys.


I'll say to you what I said to the other guy. yell at her, get her MAD AT YOU. get her passionate and out of that state. Then talk to her. about not having sex and all these things.


btw, she should not be sleeping with the kid at that age in lay of you. I would find that creepy I just...


geez there are so many problems with the situation you described, and 60% of them are your fault.




FUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!.



*deep breath* go talk to your fucking wife loser. force her to talk to you. lock her out of the room if need be, and make sure the kid is out of the house so that she doesn't use that an as an excuse. stop this loving her bullshit... if you loved her you never would have ignored her the way you have the past few years. Tell her you are getting a divorce and make sure you guys deal with the financial shit together- though likely she will go batshit crazy and try to take all the money from you.




I can't type in this thread anymore... this is just...

 

what he said.



and oh trust me I blame you enough to make up for any lack of blame you have for yourself.

 

242 people see this thread..... 3 reply. nice.

 

On top of everything else wrong... The cheating, the using, and the lack of communication until it was waaay too late, I worry about your son. Are you going to be there for him while you run around with this young girl being "passionate'? Or will you just throw money at him and his mother to ease your guilt once you make a decent living leaving him to be raised by a woman with many problems. I'm sure divorce will make her depression even worse and I feel for the poor little boy who wants to know why mommy is so sad. Of course he'll blame himself because that's what children do.

 

I didnt reply in the thread i asked if he wanted to chat on PM bc I didnt want to share the world what I had to say...

 

im not sticking up for this guy cheating, thats wrong, yah need to sort out problems at hiome instead of reverting to other women...however, hes getting dissed for not trying, sure we aint heard her side of the story but it sounds like she aint trying either, i can understand the no sex after the baby, she would be tired etc, but to not kiss or be intimate with him in any ways was wrong of her and its understandable he got pushed away...thats the problem he should have dealt with ijnstead of going elsewhere, but i'd say blame is more 50-50

 

As a person in a medical profession my guess is that you have access to some form of assistance. I tried not to judge you and could not do so - please read on.

My guess is that both you and your wife need to examine where you have been, where you are - and mostly - where you want to go.

I wonder, though, if there may be a problem with the medication your wife is on. You imply that she covered something up from you. I have to question that - my first wife had had a head injury that made her functioning very difficult. There was no way to cover it up. The mask that was chosen was a drug that required a drug holiday which she never had.

I accept your attempts to deal with your situation and maintain your ego, but I question you suggesting her condition was pre-existing. Something, possibly unrelated to you, caused her depression to happen while she was married to you. It may have been a traumatic experience during her pregnancy.

My ex and I discussed children. We decided for her sake, to have her tubes tied.

As for the boy sleeping in bed with her, that will ultimately prove to be very unhealthy, I imagine. It sounds like your wife is seeking love from somewhere, with someone. Divorce will weaken the support system your child needs. He is far more precious, and important, than any fling you may have. HE IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!

 

There may be no blame here at all, but distinct and profound misunderstanding. Both the partners need to work on this together.

 

i agree the most important thing is the kid...if the relationship is beyond repair then it would be best for a divorce as an unhealthy atmosphere at home can be just as bad for a kid, however if divorce happens you have to make sure you are a big part of his life and not just send money thinking that will be enough...however, you say you still love your wife..if you do you need to communicate that you are unhappy and try and fix this even if it means going to councelling etc However you must end, i repead END, this side relationship you have and have no more affairs if you wanna be serious about fixing your issues with your wife, as all these affairs are doing is stopping you from tackling these issues.

ps. You must do everything you can to get your kid to start sleeping in his own bed...thats is majorly unhealthy for a kid, i know a couple who are still having problems with their ten year old wanting to sleep in their bed cos they never made him sleep in his own bed as a kid, and when they do get him to he wets it...this is 1 of the major problems you need to sort out even if you do end this in divorce

 

It's very sad to hear that your relationship and deep love for your wife has deteriorated to this degree. It really looks like you've used her and are ditching her now that someone "better" has come along. I don't know if you attempted to discuss your problems with her but I would hope you did instead of just suffering silently. A loving marriage has many elements yours is missing and you're right to feel cheated. Instead of having affairs, you should have focused on repairing and possibly saving your marriage, or stood up and been a man about your true feelings and gotten a divorce.

At this point, I would suggest being honest with your wife. File for divorce if you truly feel thats what you want to do. Good divorce attorneys will be able to help you split your debt fairly.

 

Hank,

This is not the place to be asking for advice of this nature. Make an appointment with a relationship counsellor, for you alone, initially.

 

Honesty is key to a good relationship thats what my Mom always told me

On a side lack of sex is not even close to being a good reason to be unfaithful.

 

OP

I've read most of the above posts and I don't think you are getting great advice here. There's no point in judging you because your married relationship sounds too complex to grasp from just your brief description. The person who advised professional counseling is right. Probably a few different kinds of counseling, to address the emotional and financial problems separately. If you can't afford private sources, consider accessing whatever human services are available where you are.

People on the XNXX forum who want to decide the moral worth of your sex life must have a very particular ethic that they are advocating, and I'd personally be very hesitant to take it seriously. By which I mean that there's bound to be some hypocrisy somewhere in it.

 

Because one thing happens does not mean it causes something that happens later. One of the things most poorly researched and used as an excuse and to manipulate people is this idea of a divorce causes all the problems in a child. The fact is the child of a divorce just blames the problems on the divorce. Children in unhappy, unhealthy and toxic homes are being damaged. Bad parents will be bad parents whether they are together or split up. Statistics show a healthier percent of children growing up with two parents to be better adjusted because couples tend to stay together because they are happy in a loving relationship.

Who knows if the OP and his wife are good parents or one or both are bad parents. But staying together in a bad relationship just for the sake of the kid is not going to make a difference that way. A dad divorced not caring or spending time is going to be a dad that does not really care or spend invested time with his child anyway. A mom who dumps her problems on her children or uses her children as a tools for selfish behaviors will do it whether married or divorced.

My view from seeing people I know in bad marriages the ones staying in them "for the children" are really just staying in them for other reasons, mostly financial and I feel sorry for their kids. But for children to grow up and blame the divorce for issues is common but the divorce was not the cause of those problems. But this idea is pushed on society because we have always used children as a crutch to keep a spouse trapped. Give me good parents that are divorced and free of bad junk and bad atmosphere in the home of them married anytime.

Bad parents are going to be bad parents no matter if married or not. I do feel sorry for the OP's child but if the relationship is not salvageable then it is not. If one or both have no desire or effort to work on it and see steady improvement if they do then the child just has another problem in their life besides who his parents are.

I think this nicely sums it up ad remove the blame game stuff.

Human beings tend to be bias. Most of us in relationships are very happy to be in them. Perhaps outside of health of a love one our biggest fear is our spouse out of the blue telling us that they are leaving us. It is natural and an issue whenever discussing things or trying to give advice that we insert the problem/issue someone is having by replacing them with us. So the idea of a bad marriage and breaking up is one we do not want to think about or condone. it is why we use the children as reasons to stay and tell everyone who writes things like the OP to explore all options before breaking up. These are all good things but the fact is in real life sometimes two people just do not work and sometimes one or both refuse to even try to fix things.

 

:K It's still interesting that so many people didn't reply.

I stand by 60 40 =l Really, I was just too horrified and pissed at this situation and wrote a really shitty note yesterday. Blaming yourself and feeling guilty (which I had hoped to inspire in him) won't help his problem at all. It seems by his last sentence that he kinda WANTED someone to either blame him or tell him he is a good person... He needs to decide that for himself... no one can know what was going through his head and what he was feeling. IF he does decide that his "Actions" were bad and hence he is a "bad person" then he should accept that and move on. No use whining over it v-v though if he wants I will gladly yell at him.

> 3> councilors and psychologists are not to be trusted, Along with psychiatrists. they are the scum of the earth.

D:


well, he's not lying : D

 

It looks like a divorce would be best. I would at least try counseling first though. The divorce will work alright as long as you are a good father and can actually take care of the child. Right now it sounds like you would rather spend more time trying to find another relationship.
If you do end up divorcing, you should fight for custody. At least where you have him most of the time. Your wife sounds rather incapable of raising an emotionally healthy child because of all her problems. Again, as long as you are willing to be a father and not focus so much on your relationships with women, a divorce should work out.
On a side note-How do you not notice that she has major depression,anxiety and multiple other issues while dating? I mean unless you only dated for a month or so before getting married, there's no way you would have missed that. My guess is that the depression etc started or was severely exacerbated during marriage. Something happened that made her go a little off the deep end. And that is really for a marriage counselor or a private counselor for her, to work on.