The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.

 

Right now your memory is getting longer while your life is getting shorter....

 

Trying to get rich by playing the lottery is like trying to commit suicide by flying on commercial airlines

 

I'd rather commit suicide than fly commercial. And I used to fly commercial A LOT.

 

If I put instant coffee in a microwave can I go forward in time.

 

Why is there a sell-by date on croutons? It's stale bread!!

 

Similarly, I have a solution for droughts! We have so little water, why not dilute it??

 

I see this as red, yellow, blue. Unless you are color blind, so do you.

But does that mean we all see the same colors? Maybe what we perceive is totally different, and that is what makes up personal taste.

 

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

 

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them

 

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect

 

Every breath we take leaves us one breath closer to death.

You want to waste that breath complaining?

 

A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’, she said ‘question number one, have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went...and finally, question number 10'

 

Fortune Tellers Society Annual General Meeting postponed due to unforeseen circumstances.

 

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail

 

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’ - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid

 

This joke is non-PC so if you get upset, please don't read it.

Sambo's girlfriend is on a TV quiz show.
"Who were the first two men to fly across the Atlantic?" asks the host.
"Sambo and Rastus," she replies.
"No, I'm sorry, it was Alcock and Brown."
"Yes, I know," she says, "but what do think Sambo and Rastus are?"

 

I'm only responsible for what I say NOT what you understand

 

Marriage is all about finding that special person to annoy for a lifetime

 

How do you know when you’re too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener