Hell's Bell's!

You don't have the sense God gave a goose

 

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you wuz?

I was born at night but it wasn't last night.

 

Procrastination is a serious issue. . .but we can talk about that later

Apathy discourages progress. . .but no one cares

You're talking out your ass 'cause you mouth knows better.

It's enough to knock Christ off the damned cross

Put that on account. . .on account of I ain;t gonna pay you

As long as I woe you, you'll never be broke

Don't worry, if that check bounces I'll write you another one

Everybody believes in something, I believe I'll have a beer

 

"Don't anthropomorphise computers

They hate that"

Not really old Timey but it's still one of my favorites

 

I also used to know a girl who had no use for people who did not speak clearly and spoke in gibberish.

She would say

fuck the Lala

She claimed it went back many generations in her family

 

An obsolete Adelaide South Australia one:
The background first, to make things clear.
In the 1950s before television in Adelaide (1959) radio had a number children's programs.
One featured a pretend race that would deliver chocolate frogs (a candy then popular with children) on their birthday. It happened this way; a parent would give the announcer the identification details: the child's name, age, street name and suburb address...and most importantly where the chocolates were to be found. The announcer would play the sound effect of a galloping horse and read the details. "Mary Wilson, of String Street, Woodville, is 7 today and the the horse has left frogs in her dolls house. Trevor Hopkins Ellis of Road, Findon Park is 8 today ad the horse has left frogs in his builder set." The name of the race horse was "Gandhi."

...and for years it became axiomatic in Adelaide to dismiss and object or idea thought worthless as "...not worth Gandhi's last shit..." The exclamation faded away within 12 months of the introduction of TV.

 

Never argue with a pig, it wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Nothing is foolproof cause fools are so ingenious.

 

JPT's so poor he doesn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of...

 

He got outta there lickety-split

He/she's as handy as a cow with a shotgun

Stop that you young whipper-snapper

 

He had to piss like a race horse

Raining like a double cunted cow pissing on a flat rock

If I wanted any lip off you I 'd get it off my zipper

Boy's dumber than a box a rocks

Buy you books, send you to school and all you do was sit in the corner and stare at the teacher

Shower was broken so I just took a whore's bath and went out (armpits, tits and crotch using a wash cloth and water from sink)

If I told you I'd have to kill you so don't give e a reason

You're a cute little fart blossom

 

From baseball:
A ca of corn - a fly ball that's hit high but not deep. It comes from the old general stores where cans of corn were on the top shelf usually 12/14 feet off the floor. IF you wanted a can of corn the store keeper would grab a long stick and knock a can off catching it before it hit the floor.

He popped a dyin quail into right. A softly hit hump back line drive that clears the infield then falls without much bounce in the outfield. The arc of the ball resembled that of a quail that took off the got shot from behind and fell to earth.

Throws aspirin tablets (or BBs) a pitcher throwing really hard

He hit a frozen rope to . . . A line drive that's hit really hard

 

You wouldn't make a pimple on your (daddy/mommy's) ass (not as good at the same job their dad or mother did)

They're off like a herd of turtles (Workers or school kids given a task they aren't in a hurry to perform)

He/She doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground

Go piss up a rope!

 

"An unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it." -Col. Jeff Cooper

 

faster than shit through a goose.

 

That was slicker than snot - later became slicker than owl shit

Holy Moly (pronounced Holy Mole E)

He/she doesn't know shit from shinola - Shinola is a brand of shoe polish and apparently a lot more now https://www.shinola.com/black-shoe-polish.html

Sufferin Succotash - or Sufferin Catfish

He'd gripe if they hung him with a new rope

Piss and moan, piss and moan, bitch, bitch , bitch

Loosey Goosey

You got some 'splaining to do Lucy!

Shake your money maker sweetie (Shake your ass)

He/she didn;t know whether to shit or go blind

Praise the Lord and pass the Ammunition - WWII phrase from a song

 

Jumpin Jehosaphat!
Great Googly Moogly!

 

You could shit and fall back in it too... (after someone says I could do???)

Good Lord willing and the Creek don't rise (Not a flooded creek but an uprising by a Creek Nation)

 

Drunker than a fiddler's bitch.

(referring to old time dances that usually included a fiddle player where the fiddler's wife or girlfriend would just get drunk because he was playing)

 

Oh my heck and slower than molasses in January, and many hands make light work, are ones that I heard growing up in a Mormon household. I think.

 

Whoopee Shit!

A Big Hoop De Do!

All the bells and whistles

Colder than a well digger's ass in Alaska