This is the first story I posted; I hope you will read it and give it an honest critique. I'd like to hear how I can improve, rather than comments like "It sucks!" or "It was good."

The rest of it is posted in the Stories section, along with the subsequent parts of the series.

Be harsh, be fair, be honest, but there's no need to be nasty!

Thanks for reading.


Chantelle

Chapter One

It was Friday evening, another night working late. This had happened for several nights in a row, and it cut into my work-out time and my social life, such as it is. I work as a systems trouble-shooter, and for several nights I had been staying late at one of our branch offices, trying to sort out some issues we'd been experiencing with the printers. It was now close to eight P.M., and if I was going to go to the gym before I went home I needed to grab a few energy bars out of my gym bag, which I had left in my car. I went downstairs, and because the shipping area is secured after regular hours, I slipped out the front door to go around to the parking area. As I returned from my car, I literally walked right into somebody standing under the canopy.

It was a very wet and bedraggled looking female of an indeterminate age. I apologized immediately, but she was sobbing and didn't acknowledge me at first. I stood there looking at her, and several facts became apparent. She was a lot younger than I had first assumed, and obviously was not wearing a bra.
The evening was cool due to another summer rain shower, and she was wet, so her braless tits and hard nipples were visible through her little crop top. Her mascara had run in rivulets down her face, making her look like she had been out in the rain for a while. She was wearing some tight white leggings under a pair of shorts with some ridiculous high heeled shoes which only served to accentuate her beautiful little round bubble-butt. No jacket, no sweater, just a small tiara completed her outfit. It was clear to me that she was downtown doing some “bar-hopping” and something had gone very wrong. These thoughts flashed though my brain in milliseconds, and then I asked her if she was okay.

“No” she replied, “My fuckin' boyfriend dumped me off downtown, and my handbag is in his car, the fuckin' asshole!”

Being the gentleman that I am, I offered to call her a cab to get home.

“Are you stupid?!” she managed through her sobs, “I have no bag, which means I got no money, no keys, and no phone! How is a fuckin' cab going to help?”

Hmmmm, I thought. She’s much younger than I first assumed. Out loud I said “Calm down, and let’s see if we can’t figure out a solution to your problem. First off, what’s your name?”

“Chantelle, what am I going to do? What’s your name?” she asked through her tears.

I chuckled and said “I’m Mike, and let’s get you inside where it’s warm and dry, and I’ll think of something.”

I turned and motioned her towards the door. When she spun around I was treated to a full-on view of her luscious ass. It was tight and round, with a nice butt-shelf; she very much resembled a figure skater’s physique from behind. I actually got a little hard at this point; I’m an ass man, and this was one of the best examples I had ever seen. I grabbed my bag, and unlocking the door touched her elbow to guide her inside the foyer. Before I locked the door behind me, I told her to go up and turn to the left and head through the cubicles into the only office that was lighted. I waited to lock the door just so I could watch her walk up the stairs. I think she knew I was watching, because she added a fetching little sway to her step. Her ass was so good that I ended up with a rock hard cock in my pants.

Once upstairs, I navigated my way to the office I was temporarily using to find her just standing there with a lost look. Now that she was inside, in a well lighted space, I was able to get a better look at her. Most of her make-up had washed away with the rain and her tears, and she couldn’t have been more than 14 or 15, I thought to myself. Her little cream colored crop top was basically transparent, highlighting her lovely little b-cup breasts with their little pencil eraser nipples and tiny aureoles. I noticed that her shorts were almost see-through, and although I couldn’t quite make out any features, it seemed as though she wasn’t wearing any underwear, either, just the shorts and leggings. Oh my god she was a hottie.

“Do you want to use the phone and call somebody?” I asked.

“No, I got nobody I can call right now.”

“Listen, I know it’s none of my business, but maybe you should call your parents.”

“I can’t!” she exclaimed.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because.” She retorted.

I tried a different approach. “Why don’t you at least get out of those wet clothes, you can use the towel in my gym bag and dry off, and borrow my t-shirt and shorts, at least ‘til your clothes are dry.” I offered.

I showed her where the Ladies room was, and handed her the towel, t-shirt and shorts that I keep in my bag.

She returned several minutes later, wearing my t-shirt, which looked like a tent on her small frame! She handed my towel and shorts back to me.

“Jesus, how big are you anyway?” she asked. “The shorts wouldn't even stay on, and I got nothing to tie them up with.”

“Sorry” I said, “I didn’t think about how big my clothes are.” I’m fairly large, 6 feet 2 inches, and I weigh around 240 pounds (only ten pounds more than when I played college football), and being all of maybe five feet tall and maybe 120 pounds, she looked lost in my shirt. Now that she had dried off and removed most of the smudged makeup, I could see that she was, at most, 14 or 15.

“Alright,” I said, “let’s try this again. Call your parents, please.”

“Fuck, I already told you I can’t!” she responded with the exaggerated sigh and eye-roll of the typical teen.

“Well, what if I drove you home?” I asked in desperation.

“You can’t!” she yelped, seemingly alarmed at my solution.

“Okay, well then we’ve got a problem.” I replied. “I have no cash on me, and as far as I’m aware, no taxi accepts credit cards. You won’t let me drive you home, so you need to call your parents and arrange for them to come and get you.” I explained, patiently.

“I can’t! I already told you.” she exclaimed with a roll of the eyes.

“Well, that’s a major problem, then.” I responded “How are you going to get home safely if neither one of us has any cash for cab fare, you don’t want me to drive you home, and there’s nobody that you can call? I can’t let you stay here for the night, and I’m not putting you out on the street.” I was getting exasperated by her willfulness; and then, sweet inspiration.

I said, “Okay then, I gonna call the cops. There’s no way I’m leaving you here for the night, or tossing you outside to fend for yourself!”

“NO!” she screamed, “You can’t!” And then the tears and the sobbing started again.

“Oh yes I will.” I said in a mock angry tone. I knew now that I was going to get to the bottom of this.

“Either you explain to me why I can’t drive you home, or I’m gonna call the cops right now.” I threatened.

“Fuck you, I’m fuckin’ gonna go then, you fuckin’ retard!” she barked at me.

I decided to call her bluff. I knew there was no way she was going to voluntarily go back outside in the rain and cold and start walking somewhere, who knows where at this time of night. I thought to myself that she was really scared and in way over her head, but wouldn’t admit to it, because it would make her admit to being barely a teenager.

“Alright” I said, “I don’t want to, but if that’s what you really want to do, I can’t stop you, you know. You’re free to go; let me know when you’re ready to leave as I need to lock the door behind you.”

“Oh fuck! You’re a real fuckin’ asswipe, aren’t you?” She said, obviously both angry and terrified at the same time.

“Jesus, fuck, alright!” she said, clearly surrendering to my will.

“Okay” I said “First question. Why can’t you call home?”

“My mom’s out of the city on business” she replied. “I’m supposed to be staying with my dad, but I didn’t even tell him I was coming over. She thinks I’m over at his place, but I spent this week at my asshole boyfriend’s apartment. I doubt if my dad’s even home; he’s a fuckin’ stupid drunk, and he wouldn’t even remember my name if I called him now.”

Wow, I thought to my self, she spent the week at her boyfriend's apartment. I bet they weren't exactly celibate. I'm fairly certain that she's no virginal little angel. I'll have to dig a little deeper and see just what she's been up to.

“Well” I asked, “what about your friends? Shouldn’t we call one of them, and maybe you can stay there?”

“Fuck no! Then my mom will find out and she’ll freak and probably like kill me or something. She’s always overreacting when I do stuff, so this would be like the worst.”

“Okay, then” I answered. “What the hell did you do to your boyfriend to make him leave you at some skanky bar downtown?”

“He thought I’m almost 19, and I also got fake ID, but the guy at the door figured out my ID was bogus, and wouldn’t let me in the club.” she explained. “So when the door guy wouldn’t let me in, my boyfriend freaked out at me and told me I was a stupid little cunt, and that he didn’t want to hang with me if I couldn’t go into clubs and bars with him. He told me to fuck off and not to text him or call him, cause he would just ignore me.” At this point she was now crying softly and wiping away tears as she told me her tale of woe.

I asked her “How old is this guy, what’s his name?”

She replied “He’s 21, and his name is Josh, and he’s like a super-stud and all my friends were all jealous when I started dating him.”

“He’s a jerk in my books for leaving you alone downtown.” I said. “How old are you anyway?”

“17” she answered.

“Liar!” I said “You can’t be more than 13 or 14! And you’re hanging out with a 21 year old loser who dumps you at the first sign of trouble? And where’s your bag and your cellphone?”

“It’s in his car” she replied “He wouldn’t even go get it for me; he just went into the club and left me standing there. That’s when I started walking home.”

“Listen, I’m not stupid, you know, I figure you can’t be any older than 14 or 15, and you gotta know by now that you’re way too deep into this situation to keep lying to me.” I challenged her. “You may think you’re all grown up, but come on, look what you got yourself into. You’ve got no money, no phone, no way to get home, you’re stuck downtown, and safe only because I happened to go outside when I did. Otherwise, you’d be running from some lowlife, or fending off some pimp, or even worse!” I was on a roll, now.

“Okay, okay!” she retorted “I'm gonna be 15 in two months. It's not like I'm some immature kid or something. I'm old enough. I know what I'm doing.”

“Oh sure you do.” I said, mockingly.”You're shacked up with a 21 year old guy while your mother's out of town, doing god knows what with him, and get dumped in a skeevy area of the city, left to fend for yourself. Yup, I guess you got it all together. You're pretty fucking lucky that I'm not the type of guy who would take advantage of you, because theres lots of guys that would have grabbed you and raped you or worse.”

“I know.” she quietly agreed “Thank you Mike, you're a good guy. I'm sorry I fucked up your night.”

“Life lesson number one,” I said “your so-called boyfriend was only after one thing, because it's obvious the loser doesn't appreciate what he had. You've gotta realize you're nothing more than a sex toy for him. I bet he's already forgotten you and is hooking up with the next one.”

“Ohhhhh, what am I going to do” she cried, in a very plaintive little girl's voice.

She looked so forlorn sitting there, tears spilling down her cheeks, that I just melted.

“I have an idea” I mused aloud. “Why don't you go gather up your stuff, and you can come spend the night at my house. You can't go into a restaurant dressed in that outfit, so we'll order in some food; you'll get a good night's sleep, and tomorrow, we'll go to your ex's apartment and get your stuff. That way you can go home, and pretend like this shit never happened, and when your mom gets home, you'll look like the perfect little virginal goody two-shoes. She'll never suspect anything. You'll have learned a valuable lesson, and you can start being a smart kid.”

“Really?”she asked “You would do that for me?” She perked up and gave me a bright smile at her turn of fortune.

At this point, watching her move around in my threadbare t-shirt, I would have done anything she asked! I could clearly see her nipples, and it looked like she shaved her pussy, because it was also clear to me that she had no panties on at this point. She may have thought of me as a nice guy, but my brain was playing out all sorts of dirty fantasies. I would have to wait a while for my raging hard-on to go away before I stood up, because there was no way she was not going to see it sticking up in my pants.

She went and retrieved her damp clothes from the Ladies room, and crouched down to put her belongings in my gym bag, offering me a glimpse of her tight little butt stretching the backside of my t-shirt. She had an awesome little butt crack; it was making me hard again. I shook my self out of my reveries, and got her and my stuff out to the car. Thankfully the rain was nothing more than a drizzle at this point, so we didn't get wet. I turned on the heater and asked her what she wanted to eat. Her answer took me by complete surprise.

“Your cock.” she purred. “I seen your hard-on when we were talking. I really wanna give you a blow-job right now; your cock is makin' me all wet. I really want your jizz”

Thank goodness we were still parked, or I would have driven off the road.

“Listen Chantelle, that's awesome, but I'm old enough to be your father.”

“That's okay” she giggled “I don't care. You got a big cock, and I'm horny, so just let me do it. It's just a blow-job. It's not like I'm asking you to get married or something, ya know. I seen you lookin' at me before. I know you want it. I want it too. What's wrong with that?”

I sputtered out something about it being illegal, and she laughed.

“It's just a blow-job for fuck's sake. All I want to do is suck your cock and eat some jizz. Fuck” she said with a sexy catch in her voice. She reached over and grabbed my crotch, and started to undo my pants.

“Ooooh, it' so hard.” she purred “You're makin' me so wet. I love suckin' cocks.”

She was struggling to get my cock out of my pants, so I thought to myself I'm in for a penny, might as well be in for a pound, so I lifted my ass up from the seat and she yanked my jeans down to my knees and dove onto my cock. She took it into her mouth and gave it a tongue swirl, which made it twitch involuntarily. She took her mouth off my cock and said

“You got a beautiful cock, is it okay if I swallow when you cum? Please? I know lots of guys want to shoot it on my face and stuff, but I really wanna taste your jizz.”

“Jesus!” I exclaimed “How many guys have you done this with?”

“I dunno” she answered, and then licked the crown like an ice cream cone before she continued “Like maybe twenty, I guess.”

“Holy Fuck!” I said, shocked “You're only 14!”

She snorted in derision “Yeah, so? Lots of girls I know do blow-jobs. Fuck I started when I was like, 12, and I wasn't the first in my class, you know.”

She went to work on my cock, sucking it and using her tongue on the bottom ridge. I noticed she had hiked up the t-shirt, and had her hand on her naked pussy, fondling herself, and I marveled at the situation. It seemed that she was an expert blow-job artist. She kept bobbing her head up and down, keeping a steady suction and rhythm going, and then suddenly, she engulfed my whole 7 ½ inches of hardness, and held it deep, and rolled her tongue around while she deep-throated me. She was moving her hand even faster, massaging her clit while she sucked, and all of a sudden she pulled off of my cock and gasped as she came! I was stupefied; I had never seen that before. She had brought herself to orgasm from sucking my cock! Quickly she went back to work, and started back with the steady rhythm. I could feel the stirrings in my sack, and I whispered, almost to myself, that I was close.

She slowed down, and slacked off on the sucking, and just kept up a steady suck and bobbing motion. She returned to the deep-throating action, and furiously began rubbing her clit again. This time it took her less than a minute to get herself off. She came again, with her mouth around my cock, and I knew I wasn't going to last much longer, and told her so.

She took her mouth off my cock long enough to ask “You better be able to get it up again, 'cuz I'm not done sucking cock tonight, okay?”

As she pushed me closer to the brink with her tongue and mouth, I thought to myself that her ex-boyfriend was doubly a loser, because why would you dump a natural born cocksucker like this? She wanted, no, actually craved sucking cocks, and wanted to swallow my jizz.

That final thought pushed me over the edge, and I told Chantelle that I was going to cum soon. She re-doubled her efforts, using her hand to stroke while she held just the tip in her mouth. My cock started to swell, signaling my impending orgasm, and she quickly pulled my cock out of her mouth and stroked it even faster as she held it on the tip of her tongue. I suddenly came, blasting several shots of jizz into her open and waiting mouth. As the force and intensity lessened, she sucked the tip of my cock into her mouth to get the last remaining drops of cum, and then looked up at me and opened her mouth to show me her treasure. She swirled my jizz around and stuck out her tongue and then swallowed it all down.

I couldn't even speak. I just sat there, gasping. She looked at me with a sultry half-smile, and then reached her hand down to her clit and started going to town on it. Parting the hairless lips of her pussy, she strummed her clit at a blistering pace, and then gasped out.

She turned to me and said “I love your jizz, it's awesome! It made me cum again!” With that, she returned again to her pussy, inserted two fingers into her hole, and returned to her clit. This time she rubbed slowly while she stared at my cock.

I said “We better get going” as I pulled the car out and headed for home.

 

good start,glad to see more? thank you

 

Okay, you asked for it, so here goes: I counted only 3 typos in the entire story - this is truly excellent. As thorough as you seem to be, you could probably eliminate those. You used the word 'jizz' 5 times and 'cum' only once. Who says 'jizz'? (just a thought). Some of the young lady's language seemed a little over the top, but I guess for a rebellious 14 year-old, that's pretty normal.

Here's a major recommendation and I am very serious: Finish the story. Take her home, raise her like she is yours, teach her to be more genteel, love her, and keep her forever, then post the story on the stories site.

You have a lot of promise and I hope to see it recognized.

Thanks for the challenge, I enjoyed it.
Don

 

Don Jizz might be a southern thing, I noticed it used an awful lot when I was living in lousiana. Seemed to be a pretty good structure, but Don is the real mechanics freak:excited:. I found that its much easier if you do vary your discriptions of cum or Jizz to other things and I can think of about two or three dozen off the top of my head that you could use. But then again I might could attribute it to the speaker in most of those cases good story.

 

Don Jizz might be a southern thing, I noticed it used an awful lot when I was living in lousiana. Seemed to be a pretty good structure, but Don is the real mechanics freak:excited:. I found that its much easier if you do vary your discriptions of cum or Jizz to other things and I can think of about two or three dozen off the top of my head that you could use. But then again I might could attribute it to the speaker in most of those cases good story.

 

Very nice

 

Don:

Thank-you very much. I really appreciate your taking the time and effort to comment on my story. Any criticism, good or bad, is helpful. I feel the need to improve, and your comments move me further in the right (write) direction.

Three typos? Crap, I thought I had caught each and every one. I am dyslexic, and because of this, I tend to be fanatical about checking spelling and syntax. Writing anything takes me forever, as I have to correct and re-correct my errors.

Jizz is common usage in my circle, but you have a very valid point. I need to use more synonyms, and vary my usage of certain words more often.

As to the young lady's language, some of it is verbatim from my own daughter when she was a young teenager. She argued everything vehemently and profanely, and with great drama, as most young teenaged girls are wont to do.

 

I've just located your stories on the story site and, starting from the beginning, am reading them all. Don't ask - I'm just about to the point where this firum posting ended. So far I am really enjoying it.

As for the typos, I am somewhat anal retentive about typo/grammar/spelling errors. Only three is a pretty damn good score.

Don't stop writing.
Don

 

I'm waiting to read more

 

Keep writting

Hey congratulations, great story so far, keep going.. Is this a TRUE LIFE story, seem to be as the detail is great.. Thank you :rose:so much ..:rose::rose::rose: