Hi Hylian, firstly thankyou for the congrats on mine and @Norton X recent union, thanks for taking the time to get in touch, secondly thanks for the link to this your first story. I have read it and would like to return the the compliment and send my own congrats to you.

First let me say master/slave punishment type of relationship isn't my favourite, and I'm not a fan of pain, but I do think some forms of their ideology appeals, but not all.

That said I don't mind reading about it and if it's not too violent or extreme then I find it can be arousing, and I definitely was aroused by your tale.

For me the beginning was the best, it sucked me in and had me on tenter hooks , you really made me feel her impatience in getting to her master. Usually I like more of a back story but your words made me imagine immediately what those details were, so nothing else was needed. To me that means talent, firing the readers imagination.

Now some critique, there was a few spelling mistakes, not to bad unless really jarring, just be aware. As has been said before the use of past and present tenses, but the more annoying was the use of he for she or him for her, I had to go back and re read to make sure I read it right resulting in a break in the flow, spoiling the momentum.

The ending was great, maybe it could have been less formal ( the rounded curve sentence) ,though I understand why you did it .

That said I thoroughly enjoyed the story, it definitely had me invested and made me very wet in all the right places, I was thoroughly horny and ready for everything.

You should really write again, you will only get better. I did read that after you've finished you should read it slowly out loud, but as I haven't written anything I wouldn't know if it works, may be Norton can tell you better!.

I hope I haven't been too critical as I appreciate its hard to hear any faults, and we should all remember , this can be a hard thing to do. You've given us your time freely and free of charge, and you've acheived your goal, and that's made us all get horny and maybe even some people get laid.

So thanks for your hard work , nicely done, more please. Luvs xx

 

Thank you so very much for the feedback, I'm glad you enjoyed it since I aim to please! I will admit some of what you said are definitely things I have never thought about before, and I'm glad you caught some of what I was trying to do as well! I was hoping that a more formal writing style would work out better for a story that involved this kind of strict play compared to something more light and playful. In reality my writing is much less formal but I thought I would give it a try
As for my next story, really I want it to be another true story, only with myself as the protagonist if you catch my drift hahaha. Keep your fingers and toes crossed that things work out in the end, and work out quickly, so I can actually write about it instead of just making it up...
Thank you again for reading and for your critiques, you and @Norton X please feel free to message me anytime you'd like, I only come on here now to read any PMs or alerts, not so much for perusing anymore, though you both have been so kind to me it would be a shame not to continue to talk some. Congratulations one last time, you two are marvelous

 

Hi again Hyli, you are so welcome. You seem like a very special man, and I am pleased and happy to stay in touch Feel free to pm me whenever you wish, I may not reply immediately , but I will reply ?
I hope with all my heart and crossed everything that your true story occurs very very quickly, and that it's the stuff best sellers are made of, if you get me !

Even though we are only recently acquainted, I bet your presence is missed here, by all.
Don't be a stranger , and thanks again for your kind regards from myself and @Norton X re. our new wonderful relationship. ! I am one very happy bunny ! Ttys. Hugs and Kisses

 

Bumping this thread to try to get some new readers on this story. I've been experimenting with some creative writing for school, and might want to write more for the forum here. All criticism is appreciated, thanks in advance

 

Bumping this as a nice Valentine's day love story, a bit on the kinkier side, and true for those couples who have met and made it through here @Twisted Fate & @hael among many others.

 

I think you are a liar, no way that was your first story...LOL.

I liked that the D/S was prominent but not overbearing. The punishment was hard but not brutal. I could see some submissive actually accepting and even enjoying that.

On the grammar, I don't have much to say because none of it broke the flow for me.

It is easier to write from what you know but this was no simple reporting of events. It was a well crafted retelling of an incredibly erotic scene. Well done.

 

Thanks, I appreciate the feedback. And yeah, it really was, I was just lucky to have a good education and used to be an avid reader. I'm in a creative writing class now and I can sadly tell you this was a case of beginners luck lol but I'm hoping to get it to this level consistently.

 

Bumping for more feedback

 

Thats interesting because that story was exactly what I experienced with my lover just weeks ago. Except we only met in adulthood. But wow, sounds almost like me n my man. I'm truly amazed here.

 

I'm really glad you enjoyed it Anything in particular you liked or perhaps didn't like? I'm always looking for improvement and this story hasn't been touched in over a year lol

 

I'm bumping this story to see if any new members here enjoy my work and have any feedback for me. I've had a lot of time on my hands recently and have been thinking about writing again, so I'd like to see what people like/dislike here or have any topics they'd like to see done.

 

As a teacher, I give it an A. Good pacing

 

Love this story. I just happened to notice the story in your signature on another thread and wanted to check it out. Very well written. Good work, I hope you write more, I know I am only getting started. I've decided the main story site is going to be my personal, open diary for others to read. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks for the read, I really appreciate it. I haven't written since this, haven't really gotten inspiration to do so. I haven't had a chance to read some of your writings yet but I will soon and let you know

 

Good first story and a great first draft. Suggest that next time you go through a few rounds of rewriting. I just (no!). I recently read Do-it-Yourself Editing by Courage Knight. Solid basic information there. Enjoyable, sexy read. Needs a little polishing.

 

Outstanding!! Hooked me in - loved it. You have amazing talent. If this is your first writing, I hesitate to predict where you will find yourself in a couple of years!! Amazing. Thank you for sharing.

 

I never fucking come here!!! Reading more than one or two paragraphs at a time is more work than my attention span will allow. Obviously i don't know you other than the posts you make however i feel a connection to you that i find hard to describe...don't worry I'm normally not gay i just like your style....your brutal yet modest approach is maybe a characteristic i lack thus seeking to find in others...why can't you be female??? For my sake not yours. Enjoyed it thoroughly motherfucker!!

 

@HylianAlchemist , @GinaDee , @CFH3ll , I love seeing you three talking! It's nice to see friends connecting like this! Love ya all! Now if @springsteen79 would show up, it would be a party!

 

Wait...what???

 

We do not mean to hijack threads. So sorry!