Hey everyone I'm looking for advice on how to be a better Dom. I want to develop this kink with my girl. I know a little, but was thinking this is a good resource for information to consider. Thanks.

 

Try your internet and Google search and read,read, and read some more... After you learn some talk to anyone involved and learn all their likes and desires and find out if they are compatible with what you seek out of bdsm. After that its learning how to trust each other...

 

Try ballroom dancing classes with your girl and of course spanking!!

thinskin

 

If you have to ask, you're not ready to be a dom.

 

I, for one, think you are being a very smart kid. Props to you! First off anyone who tells you they are Cartel are most assuredly not! Most Dom types you encounter will in actuality be nerdy dungeons & dragons renaissance faire rejects who would be secretly afraid to walk from their car to the edgy SM bar in the seedy neighborhood even if they were NOT wearing silly leather pants...Fakes will often be the loudest with their demands to be called something retarded (ie. Sir Nighthawk) the strongest...Up to 90% of dom types can be rooted out as weak with a 5 min one on one check up from the neck up its really that bad. Then again I tend to bully. Back to your question...

1)Education....As TCS1963 wrote you need to read everything on the subject you can...Everything from the Loving Dominant to a couple of volumes in Chronicles of Gor to the collected works of De Sade...You can't read enough! The writings from Fetlife.com are essential join the site right now.

2)Experience Somewhere near you will be a dreadful band of weirdos meeting for periodic lunch...This is 'your community' engaged in munching...They will also host lectures classes & play parties...You need to go to every even remotely relevant class and lecture within 100 miles. In these you should gain a cursory knowledge of most things Dom in short order. Playing with rope electricity & floggers in a cheesy class behooves you.

3)Counsel...You need at least one (more is better)Mentor. It is important that they have abundant experience in the 'scene' an elder statesman perhaps I care less about gender role or
preference
and more on someone who will entertain your questions troubles and madness at 3am they should be on speed dial. Do not be afraid to approach potential mentors who you look up to including the famous.... People rarely refuse a plea for their advise and keen insights when made with an authentic earnest approach...

I have said way too much

 

Thanks alot!

 

Edited for clarity...

I, for one, think you are being a very smart kid. Props to you!

First off anyone who tells you they are Cartel are most assuredly not! And so it goes for most who refer to themselves by title. In actuality many Dom types will be nerdy dungeons & dragons renaissance faire rejects scared of the walk from their car to that edgy SM club out of their masterful element in the seedy neighborhood even if they were NOT wearing silly leather pants...Fakes will often be the loudest at events with their demands to be called something retarded (ie. Sir Nighthawk) the strongest...Up to 90% of these alphas can be sussed out as weak with a two minute one on one, check up from the neck up. It really is that bad. Then again I tend to bully. On to your question...

1)Education....As TCS1963 wrote you need to read everything on the subject you can...Everything from the Loving Dominant to at least a couple of volumes in Chronicles of Gor to the collected works of De Sade..I would also include books on applied psychology, seduction & pimping. You can never read too much! The writings from Fetlife.com are also essential join the site...right now.

2)Experience Somewhere near you will be a dreadful band of weirdos meeting for periodic lunch...This is 'your community' engaged in munching...They will also host lectures classes & play parties...You need to go to every even remotely relevant class and lecture within 100 miles. In these you should gain a cursory knowledge of most things Dom in short order. Playing with rope electricity & floggers in a cheesy class behooves you.

3)Counsel...You need at least one (more is better) Mentor. It is important that they have abundant experience in the 'scene' an elder statesman perhaps or an elderly transvestite hooker...I care less about gender role or preference and more on someone who will entertain your questions troubles and madness, in confidence, at 3am accessible from your speed dial. Do not be afraid to approach potential mentors who you look up to including the famous.... People rarely refuse a plea for their advise, keen insights & wisdom when made authentically in earnest...

I have said way too much

 

Did someone seriously recommend Gor?

There are Goreans who go down a rabbit hole from reading those books. Some of them even believe it’s a real planet. No one sits next to them at the dungeon.

 

Books written by people who are actually involved in bdsm:

The Loving Dominant
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns
SM 101
The New Topping Book/The New Bottoming Book

 

Thanks everyone haha I got alot of reading to do as well as indulging in the inner dom attitude. Also I'll learn to dance!

 

Ah yes, Venus in Furs!

I was avoiding fiction and typing in the car, that was what I could think of off the top of my head.

 

https://nerdist.com/sex-nerd-sandra-8-dungeon-dom/
https://nerdist.com/sex-nerd-sandra-15-hardcore-roleplay/
https://nerdist.com/sex-nerd-sandra-62-roleplay-pervertibles/
https://nerdist.com/sex-nerd-sandra-207-edge-play-with-mollena-lee-williams-haas-part-1/
https://nerdist.com/sex-nerd-sandra-208-edge-play-with-mollena-lee-williams-haas-part-2/
https://nerdist.com/sex-nerd-sandra-213-pavlovian-sex-human-clicker-training-with-miss-holly/

 

In any potential power exchange or D/s relationship, you begin with a negotiation in order to establish hard limits and soft limits (those things you may want to explore if you like) of both parties. You both agree on a set of guidelines or rules and you agree on some safety procedures. Then the fun starts..........but if the fun gets out of hand or one party wants to adjust the rules then the negotiation starts again!

So becoming and experienced dominant or submissive is a iterative process!!

Thinskin

 

The main thing to remember for me is that being in a D/s relationship is NOT all about the kinky fuckery. Yes, the hot videos are fun to watch but that’s not the day to day reality. It’s a relationship first and foremost, not an endless fetish booty call.

Communication is huge. Negotiation - how comfortable is each person with which relationship aspects and activities? What are the boundaries? Where can there be compromise?

Yes, during the relationship, the Dom is in charge, and the sub obeys, but before the dynamic is officially in place, both parties are on equal footing in deciding what they do and don’t want.

 

If someone wants to be a Dom, it really helps to already be one. A Dom is not a costume. Nobody was ever mistaken for Batman, just because they wore a Batman costume. A Dom is a personality type, which is a combination of a person who expects people to do what he wants them to do, and the charm required to get people to do what he wants them to do. All the leather in the world can't give that.

A lot of people who claim to be a Dom are actually just insecure and take the role of a Dom, feeling it gives them and advantage and hides their basic weakness.

A true Dom understands one thing above all else, about a Dom/sub relationship. The sub holds the power because they hand control over to the Dom and can revoke it at any time. The Dom maintains control because the sub thinks he/she is magnificent. Maintaining magnificence is special skill. At any time, if the sub says no, in whatever way, the Dom has to stop. Anything beyond that is sadism.

Sadists are sometimes confused with Doms. A Dom's pleasure, both physical and emotional, depends upon the physical and emotional pleasure of the sub. This is not important to the sadist. It is convenient when a sadist and a masochist are paired together, but not at all necessary for the sadist.

 

Use the internet for research. Like what are traits in a real dom? How to treat a subby woman. Just search those type blogs. You will find some interesting reading material. And there is alot of it out there. Along with some true life stories about that type relationship.

 

@sicoscorpio Negotiation is broader than that in this context. People say what their needs and wants and dealbreakers are, and if they want to have a relationship together, they need to figure out what aspects they can agree to or compromise on.

Simple example: the Dom has a protocol that the sub kneel when he comes home. The woman he’s talking to has a bad knee and can’t kneel. But she also needs a way to show respect. They agree that she will bow her head instead.

He doesn’t force her to kneel and injure herself. She doesn’t get out of having to show respect. But they both have what they need because they negotiated it.

 

A lot of people who claim to be a Dom are actually just insecure and take the role of a Dom, feeling it gives them and advantage and hides their basic weakness. @Bron Zeage that's something I totally agree with, they need to make up for insecurities and for being bullied I believe as a child. Some see themselves as a Dom, I see them more as a Dom Deluise because they're nothing but a joke and just talk a good game.

 

Me and my wife tried it and it was a big mistake!