Linda comes in my bar and orders three shots of Jack, she belts them down, boom, boom, boom. Orders three more shots, boom, boom, boom, belts them down passes out dead drunk, the guys bring her in back and bang her silly. Next night who comes in but Linda, orders three shots of Jack, belts them down and orders three more, belts them down passes out dead drunk, the guys bring her out back and bang her again. The next night who do you think walks in, your right, Linda. She orders a beer, I said, I thought you drank Jack Daniels? She said not anymore, Jack Daniels makes my pussy sore.

 

During a sexual assault case the judge asked the female victim to describe in her own words what happened that night? She said, well I was walking down the alley when this man came out and grabbed me from behind, and he started feeling my breast, squeezing and pulling on my nipplles putting his hand up my skirt rubbing me, and he, and he, bent me over a trash can and, and, I can't remember the rest, I can't remember . The judge was like, make something up, make something up?

 

Do you smoke after making love?
I've never looked.

Do you speak to your wife after making love?
Only if there's a phone by the bed.

Okay,okay,...... so maybe some people may not have heard them

 

Heard any good sexual jokes lately?....Ya, my sex life!

 

Two nuns on bicycles.

Oooh. I've never come this way before.

Yes, I know. It's the cobble stones.

 

Two nuns get raped going through the forest

1st nun: It's terrible. We'll have to tell the Mother Superior we got raped two times.
2nd nun: Why two times? We only got raped once.
1st nun: Yes, I know, but we've got to come back this way, haven't we?

 

A great dane was lead into the back room of a Vet's office. He sees two other dogs already waiting.
What are you here for?" He asked.
The golden retriever says "Every chance I get, I run off and spend hours roaming free. The Vet says if I'm neutered, I won't wander off as much"
The rottweiler says "Every time I encounter another dog in the park, I get into a fight. The Vet says if I'm neutered, I'll be less aggressive.
The retriever then asks the great dane what he's doing there.
"Well, My owner's wife is very clumsy and every time she gets out of the shower she drops something. As soon as she does, I jump on her back, knocking her to her knees and fuck the shit out of her."
"Let me guess" the rottweiler says "You're here to get neutered so you won't be so horny."
"Naw" the great dane replies with a grin "She just want's the Vet to trim my dew claws"

 

Three nuns are walking along the beach. The first nun says, oh when I was in Costa Rica you should of seen the bananas, I couldn't believe how huge and thick they were, really meaty. The second nun started saying when she was in Florida she never seen oranges so huge and plump. The third nun being a little hard of hearing said, father who?

 

Q: How do you know if you have a high sperm count ?
A: If she has to chew before she can swallow.

Yes, I looked it up!

 

Seems my current Sexual Situation has been a joke for others. Crazy as it sounds I do find humor in the energy put forth.

 

Well, my sex life is a joke, but at least I can laugh about it here!

 

I came home from work and my wife had her luggage packed out front by the door, I was like, where the fuck do you think you're going? She said she was going to Vegas because she heard she could earn $200.00 for a blowjob there for what she does to me for free, I told her to hold on a minute and went upstairs. I came back down with my suitcase and told her, come on lets go. I told her that I wanted to see how she was going to survive on $400.00 a year.

 

My sister told her girlfriend who happens to be blond that she slept with a Brazilian. Her girlfriend was like you little slut, you can't be serious, how many is a brazilian?

 

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How are girls are like airplanes? They both have cockpits.

 

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” The woman replies: “It’s Frank,......................................................................................................................

the midget.”

 

My Ex was telling me how amazing his new GF is and how he had no idea that sex could be so good.

I did find that funny

 

Humpty Dumpty fucked a fat whore Humpty Dumpty fucked her some more All the kings horses n all the kings men Bent the bitch over and fucked her again .

 

Little Jack Mine was with Little Miss Muffet sitting on a tuffet eating curds and whey. Along came @Hussie6776 and Jack called him over and asked, WHAT THE FUCK ARE CURDS AND WHEY? And what about this fuckin tuffet thing?

 

A priest and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench. A little boy walks by and the priest says "I'd sure like to fuck that little boy" and the rabbi replies "out of what?"