When you'd go into the bathroom to finish off, was it because he would have been uncomfortable with you doing it in bed with him or because you were uncomfortable doing it in front of him? I think I'm a little odd in that if I'm having sex with someone, it never occurred to that it would be odd to see her, or her to see me, masturbate. I have been, quite firmly at times, informed otherwise.

 

Well he came.

I just didnt feel satisfied.

He wasnt interested in whether or not I had an orgasm and while sometimes it didnt bother me too much there were ocassions where I felt I actually needed that release.

I would take myself to the bathroom and bring myself off since he wasnt interested enough to take care of that part of things himself.

 

I'm sorry. I find it hard to wrap my head around the idea of your (anyone's) partner not caring if you'd climaxed, or that he or she wouldn't help, or at least offer to help, get you there if you hadn't gotten off yet. I do get the idea that sex isn't always or just about the orgasm (yes, and I'm a guy) but to simply not care about your feelings / needs, that seems awfully inconsiderate.

 

Sadly it seems to be fairly common for a man to not bother about his female partner's lack of satisfaction.
I cannot understand it, as I realised when younger that it was only fair to ensure my partner was happy.
As a single older man I use dating sites a lot, and from chats over the past few years, many women have told me similar things, so there must be a lot of 'selfish' men around.

 

Possibly but i think it had a lot more to do with the crappy state of our relationship than purely being selfish

 

I could talk to you guys for hours on the subject of self love. It is why I left Mary to it when I saw her masturbating and have never said anything the couple of times I have come home and have known she has been playing with herself.

It is important we have that space and it has nothing to do with being disattisfied with our partner. I thnk it is sad @Sweetpassion that your partner is unable to see how amazing your sex life could become by understanding what masturbation might actually be about for you.

Perhaps it is different for guy than for girls. I know that for a lot of guys it is all about 'getting off' I know for me it is too but it can also mean a whole lot more. Having a partner willing to accept that and engage with you in that realm can take sex to a whole other level

 

Thank you both, i do know that self love is very important. So sweet of you to give your lover that time to herself for pleasing herself. I think perhaps that is what is frightening to him. He seems to be fearful that pleasing myself is more pleasurable to me. Knowing that i am so in touch with my body. There are so many things that could take our sex to a whole new level but i suppose he is content with the level it is at now. I feel that i should edit and add our sex life has been far from vanilla at times. I am just all for always working towards always improving our sex life.

 

Sweet, I'm sorry to hear that. Coming from a guy's perspective, I find your man's attitude somewhat shocking (unless there's a religious component at work there - not a topic I'm really comfortable or qualified to discuss here - but I can say it works in both directions - it can just as easily be the woman objecting to her male partner's masturbating.)

Under the circumstances, I can understand why you would not be comfortable doing it.

I've never understood the idea that a partner must be able, or is obligated to, satisfy all the physical (or emotional, or intellectual) needs of the other person. (You're partners, not servants.) For one, it's often simply not possible. For another...some of the need for sexual release is just that, it's your physical / psychological need, independent of your relationship, who your partner is and what he does or does not do, and is sometimes simply more easily and more enjoyably reached through masturbation.

 

Thank you, no religious issue. I really think he just feels that i am not satisfied if i am masturbating. But women can have multiple orgasms and still want and need sex. Nothing is really like having actual sex. The only time i would be upset about my spouse playing is if i was being denied sex or if he never wanted to play together.

I guess i feel more like a spouse is responsible or obligated to fulfill a partner or lovers sexual and emotional needs. I mean if you don' t want to they could always find another person willing. But i just feel like you should want to satisfy your spouse or lovers needs. It should also be equal effort put forth in satisfying each others needs.

 

I actually think we are in agreement, mostly, in that sex is about a great deal more than the orgasms; the whole emotional and physical experience is something you cannot achieve alone. I also agree that we should strive to fulfill our spouse's needs, but as I said, it isn't always possible. Let's say simply you don't cum during sex, but your spouse does. I'd say he's obligated to either masturbate you to provide release, or allow and even encourages you to masturbate after if you wish, in that way he would still be providing for your needs, even if he can't fulfill them himself. I would think would be something about which he would be joyful.

An oversimplification, yes. Sorry, not feeling very articulate at the moment.

 

Sounds similar to my situation.
Do you ever wonder if she feels, or do you feel, awkward if you are obviously really enjoying doing it yourself? I've asked my wife and she tells me I shouldn't worry about it, but sometimes I do.

 

I can understand, my wife and I have discussed it and she doesn't have a problem with it. You probably are feeling a little guilt for whatever reason and your concern is understandable, just explain that to your wife and release the guilt or worry.

 

That's interesting. I think it CAN be a very private act, when done in private and kept private, and that is fine at times. But I find when I do it with a partner, or when my partner has masturbated lying beside me after intercourse if I have climaxed before she has, or if we are masturbating ourselves together in bed, it's just as intimate as sex.

I think though, when you have a partner, you have to make a conscious effort to abandon the private aspect of it when you do it together with, or even on your own, but with the knowledge of, your partner.

 

So why do you not masturbate with or for her? Maybe you just feel more comfortable doing it on your own time without her knowing.

 

Oh, no, we've had some epic mutual masturbation sessions. I'm not shy

It's mainly our difference in sex drive. I don't want to demand sexual interaction more than she really wants it. If she had a higher sex drive, I'd love a nightly session with her.

As for sneaking off to do it... I dunno. I guess I don't want to make her feel obligated to participate.

 

Interesting that your sex drive is so much higher than your girlfriend's - the women I chat to on dating sites are usually in their late 40's and 50's, and they really want lots of sex, whcih I put down to increased libido with age, or maybe it's just frustration due to years with no partner or one who has lost interest in sex.
Some of these women have told me they get so aroused several times a day, that they have to use a toilet at work or department store, to quickly masturbate.
(Why am I not having sex with all or one of them you might ask - various reasons like distance, work schedules, their family problems etc.)

 

We do fit into that stereotype: her libido is increasing and mine is decreasing. But mine was so much higher than hers that we're still off by a factor of 10. Used to be more like 300.

I think it's largely her becoming more comfortable with her own sexuality, but she still has a lot of hangups and views me wanting sex all the time as abnormal.

Also, I suspect your sample is skewed; there's probably a disproportionately higher number of women with high sex drives on dating sites.

 

Was she like, "sure, go for it!" or was it, well, kind of awkward?

 

Not awkward at all. Long term couple so kinda anything goes at this stage haha. She just wasnt interested this particular night

 

I get it. There myself now.

 

Sorry to hear that things with your wife deteriorated.

 

Agree!

 

Menopause? Or just getting older?
She may just want some lesser level of physical intimacy. Snuggle or cuddle her, lay on the couch together, take walks hold handing hands, sleep together but don't jump her bones. She may warm up to fooling around a bit, or get back to being ok with you whacking it on your own.

 

This is very nice!

 

Andie MacDowel in "On the Edge."