Ah Ha Ha

A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"

The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"

The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"

The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

 

I was walking through Alice Springs one day and I saw an aboriginal woman coming towards me with two sheets of corrugated iron on her head,followed by several children.About a hundred meters down the footpath I saw a man carrying a carton of beer.When he approached me I asked him "hey whats going on? he replied "we're getting a divorce! and she got the house and I got the contents"

 

Rude, Alan? sorry....it was from an email and I didn't delete any....

I guess Master needs to spank me for being rude...

 

Great joke. From "The Crow." Great flick.

 

What are the 4 pets every woman should have?

1 A mink in her closet
2 A Jaguar in the garage
3 A tiger in the bed
4 And a Jackass to pay for it all.

 

Good One ,,roflmfao

lmao lmao,,good one,,,,

 

three priests are in a row boat with three boys when the row boat starts to sink.
the first priest says "there's only three life jackets on for each of us"
the secound priest says "what about the boys?"
the first priest goes "fuck the boys"
and the third priest says "Are you sure we have time?"

 

TRUE STORY:::::::

My friend and I were in the mall one day and came across a store for "men of the cloth". It had robes and those colorful cloths they drape around their shoulders. They had bibles and candlesticks, etc. In front of the store was a sign that read "Everything a Priest could want". This intrigued me so I walked into the store and looked around. After a few minutes of this the clerk was obviously curious what I (a female) was doing in the store and what I could possibly be looking for. He came up to me and asked if he could help. I told him I saw the sign and was just looking for something in particular. He asked what I was looking for and (trying to keep a straight face) I asked him where he kept the 10 year old boys.

At that point I busted out laughing and my friend had to come drag me out. I think the clerk was about to punch me...not sure. I was laughing too hard to get a good look.

 

LMAO

 

Joke in pictures.......

 

Product Endorsement

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it
all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new
white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to
belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming
a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on
my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach
alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by
yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative
and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered
a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief!
Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

 

hahaha that's fuckin awesome

okay I got a few....

this is from an email my friend sent me awhile ago, and I didn't take any out so don't read if easily offended

Some of these jokes may not be appropriate for easily offended people.

Q: What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
Velcro.

Q. Why is all of Helen Keller's face burnt?
A. She was bobbing for french fries.

Q: How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
A: She answer the iron.

Q: How did she burn the other side of her face?
A: They called back.

Q: Why was Helen Keller's leg wet?
A: Her dog was blind too.

Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A. she needs the other to moan with.

Q. How did she burn her fingers?
A. Reading the waffle iron

Q. What did she do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.

Q. How come she didn't scream when she fell off the cliff?
A. She was wearing mittens

Q. Why does she wear skin tight pants?
A. So you can read her lips

Q. Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
A. You would too if your name was 'Urghrrghrghr'.

Q. Have you heard of the new Helen Keller doll?
A. Wind it up and it walks into walls.

Q. What's this (slowly waving fingers)?
A. Helen Keller moaning

Q: Who is the cruelest man in the world?
A: The guy who raped Helen Keller, then cut off her hands so she couldn't scream for help.

Q. How did Helen Keller drive herself crazy?A. Trying to read a stucco wall.

Q: What did HK's parent's do to punish her?
A1: Rearranged the furnitureA2: Left the plunger in the toilet bowlA3: Put Saran Wrap on the toilet.A4: Put her in a round room and told her there's a penny in the cornerA5: Washed her hands out with soapA6: Gave her bird-seed to read.A7: Glued doorknobs to the walls

Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?
A1: She's a woman.

How did Helen Keller break her arm in the car?
A: Trying to read stop signs.

Q: How did HK get poke marks on her face?
A: Learning to eat with a fork.

Q: What's the name of Helen Keller's favorite book?
A: "Around the block in 80 Days"

Q: Define true love.
A: Hellen Keller and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

Q: Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in the backyard?
A: Neither did she.

Q: How did Helen Keller drive her car?
A: One hand on the wheel; The other on the road.

Q: How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
A: On a blind date!

Q: How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
A: Answering the stapler.

Q: How did Helen Keller's teachers punish her for talking in class?
A: They made her wear mittens.

Q: Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diaper?
A: So she could always find him.

Q: Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?
A: from whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriends ear

Q: How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?
A: She shouted histerically.

I'm gonna have to think of some better ones

 

Not mine....found it online one day
Subject: Texas Political Science

Various political groups as defined by the "Two Cow" method:

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to
your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty
for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing
you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take
the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides
you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you
the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a
bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count
them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open
another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, you would like to have two cows but you don't know what a cow looks like. So you lease the factory to a company from Japan or the United States to provide two cows..
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

 

BREAKING NEWS

The Pakistan Cricket Team have given up playing cricket and taken up Bob Slaying instead!



Very very sick joke!

 

Ow!

or should that be Ow-zat!

 

bump

 

ive some jokes
but i dont know if they should ever be posted

you know
leper jokes
dead baby jokes
those sorts of things

 

screw it i'll post a couple anyway

Q: whats the definition of the human self destruct??
A: an epileptic leper

(worst mental image)

what did the leper say to the prostitute
"keep the tip"

how do you make human spaghetti?
hit a leper with a tennis racquet

Q: Did you hear about the leper cowboy?
A: He threw his leg over his horse

Q: What do you call 3 lepers in a box?
A: A jigsaw puzzle

oh god they get worse from there
dont even get me started on the dead baby jokes.... generally not a female friendly topic

or anyone without a twisted sense of humor

 

I was going through a really stressful time at work and I complained to my co-worker, Fred, about it.

Fred said, whenever he had a day like that, he just asked to get off early. Then he went straight home, walked in the door, grabbed his wife and just fucked her where ever he found her.

I said I'd try it.

The next morning he asked me if it worked and I said: Yeah you were right I did feel a lot better and Fred you have a really nice house too.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
thats classic