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This week's stupid burglars

Bad idea: crime scene self-portrait

When you are at work, you should limit your personal phone calls. Never is that more true than if you are a burglar. According to the Newport News (Va.) Daily Press, a man in the process of robbing a home in Suffolk decided to stop and make a quick call on his victim’s cell phone. It was a phone that he clearly wasn’t familiar with, because he acciden­tally took a photo of himself.

Then he left … without tak­ing the phone. Police don’t know the identity of the burglar, but they do have a photo for whenever they find a suspect.

Worse idea: Steal a radio transmitter

Here is another thing that you shouldn’t steal, no mat­ter how much you want one: large snakes that recently ate an animal wearing a radio-tracking device on its collar. Someone broke into a research lab in Heathbridge, Australia, and took a 6-foot python. The python was in the lab because it had eaten a small animal that researchers were tracking and they wanted to make sure that the snake was not harmed by the collar.

That was the official story anyway. They probably just wanted their collar back.
Either way, the fact that the collar was still in there made it easy for police to find the snake, and they arrested the man who lived there.

 

Banned from Wal-Mart

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Frazer retired, Mrs. Frazer insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Frazer was like most men–-he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Frazer was like most women–-she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Frazer received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.
​

Dear Mrs. Frazer,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Frazier are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.’

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least …

15.. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!’

Regards,

Wal-Mart Management

 

this is so funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:excited::excited::excited::excited::excited:

 

Wal-Mart Bingo

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even funnier!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;-)

 

Cute

 

I would totally marry that guy :excited: :lol: he´s too funny

 

god but you're really great; keep up the threads.
thanks

 

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"Oooooooh, where?"​

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Wanna fuck you up the ass, lick the shit out of your crack. Get it in until you bleed, piss in your mouth so you can't breathe. I wanna suck on all your toes, I wanna lick your pantyhose. Suck the cum out of your cunt, lick the sweat out of your rump. Ass fucking, butt sucking, cunt licking, call it masturbation.

 

Bad Pick up Lines from the Dom-Sub World

* I may not be the best looking dom here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

* What size is your neck? I want to make a collar just for you.

* That's not a paddle in my pants--I'm just pleased to meet you.

* Let's go back to my place and break in some paddles.

* What's a nice slut like you doing without a dom like me?

* I just broke my sub. I'd like you to replace her.

* You look like a healthy specimen. All my other subs keep sending me their medical bills - would you be my sub?

* You look like a nice strong woman. Would you like to be my new sub? My old one just died and I need a hand carrying her body out of the dungeon.

* I took my sub on a trip and forgot where I left her--would you like to be her replacement?

* I like unintelligent subs. You're still talking to me--would you like to be my sub?

 

Blonde Dashboard

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Welsh Farmer

An English ventriloquist is on holiday in Wales, and one day while taking a walk he sees a farmer leaning up against a brick wall beside the farm, and decides to have some fun.​

"Hi there," says the ventriloquist. "Say, do you mind if I talk to your dog there?"​

The Welshman regards the Englishman as if he was mad. "I'm afraid he doesnt talk, buddy."​

"Are you sure?" replies the Englishman and then turns to the dog. "How you doing there?" he asks.​

"Im doing great thanks," replies the "dog."​

The Welshman is absolutely dumbstruck.​

"Tell me," continues the Englishman, "is this man here your owner?"​

"He sure is."​

"And does he treat you well?"​

"Sure, he takes me for a walk twice a day and once a week he takes me to the lake and I go for a swim."​

The Englishman turns to the Welshman and asks, "mind if I talk to your horse?"​

The Welshman is still staring in disbelief and stammers, "well, the horse doesnt talk... I dont think"​

"How are you?" the Englishman asks the horse​

"I'm cool," replies the "horse."​

"So is this your owner, and does he treat you well?"​

"Oh yes, I get plenty of exercise and my owner gives me apples to eat every Saturday which are my favourite."​

The Welshman is literally open-mouthed with shock.​

"Mind if I speak to that sheep over there?" asks the smiling Englishman, deciding to have a bit more of a laugh​

"Now that sheep is a goddamned liar!!!!" explodes the Welshman.​

 

lol.... Smaco's gonna love that one!!

 

Haha!! What is it about Welshmen and sheep that draw so much amusement?

*looks at Dai Jones rogering Daisy* ahh, yes - I see what ewe mean, even the sheep's laughing at the size of his John Thomas :excited:

 

Office Posters

:excited:​

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thanx for the funnys. i loved it%-)