In my 49 years,I`ve been on both sides of this. I wrecked a lot of good relationships with my many addictions.I`ve been sober eight years now and I learned some amends simply can not ever be made.I`ve gotten pulled in by other addicts and suffered much.
Some relationships were damaged beyond any possible repair.
I would suggest going to a popular twelve step group and really applie yourself to your own recovery.
The twelve steps will help you learn to clear the wreckage of your past and how to deal with the brutal pain of what happened to you. A good sponser will help keep you on track.
I know your pain,one hundred times over!
The botttom line is you are a sick person and untill you put getting well before any possible relationship,you will continue to fail. When we are in our addictions,we do not have relationships,we take hostages! I love you my brother!

 

Its hard for me to say, because I know that even I couldn't follow my own advice on this situation, but, I think you need to let her go, at least for the time being. She sounds like a great person, and it sounds like she went through a lot with you. She left you, and now needs to move on with her life and distance herself from what had to be a very hard and upsetting time for her. If you love her, I think you have to let her go for now.

After you stay sober for a year or two, look her up and give her a call, but don't risk exposing her to that again, she doesn't deserve it.

 

The truth is... You Fucked UP.

MANY men lose GOOD women because they didn't appreciate it when they had the chance. She didn't leave you overnight. She stood by you and gave you a chance to get yourself straight. And out of LOVE for you, she finally left your ass in an attempt to wake you up. She obviously loved you or she wouldn't have stayed so long.

By staying on drugs as long as you did, you basically said "You're not enough for me...I need something more." You basically had an affair. You cheated on her with drugs.

Coming back to you is a decision SHE has to make by herself. It sounds like the family and friends are a problem. They're telling her what to think and feel and I'm sure she's very confused right now.

It's probably best to just leave her alone for a while. Let things cool down. Give her a chance to build a life for herself and recover from you. The wounds are still fresh.

You've changed. And if you've changed enough, she'll see that one day. If not, you can know that you did the best you could by letting her move on and heal from the hurt you caused.

In all truth, YOU needed her. And she might have needed you, but not as much. Now, she's got to decided if she WANTS you as well as needing you. That'll take time. You don't always want what you need (you're a perfect example) and you don't always need what you want.
..............................and who the fuck ever GETS what they want (with bush as prez, we can all barely get what we need!)

 

She deserved none of it, which is the hardest part. she was amazing and good to me, i didn't get into drugs casually just for fun the second time, more as a reason to solve my depression, which deffinatly isn't a justification because everybody knows it just makes things worse, but i did it because i lost my brother, who was the closest person to me. She stood by me for months and months, and just had to deal with the fact that i'm weak in soul and a fuck up at life, but she stuck it out till she could take no more. Its just hard you know? letting the woman you love move on but if you hurt her then you don't deserve her. all i could really hope for anymore is a chance at redemption, i want her to be in my life even if it isn't a relationship because i understand i am still unstable, but she was my shoulder and i hers, and honestly its a little hard learning to stand without that shoulder to lean on, but its not in my hands, i had my shot and i blew it, but is it wrong to atleast try and find out how she has been doing?

 

No, i'd say its not wrong to find out how she is doing, but i'd probably give it a little time if people are picking up and tell you not to call again. Let that blow over, and then maybe things will be a little bit more simple.

 

Its just been going on for months is all, its hard to keep waiting cuz i know that she has a lot going for her, and she will probably move on, and the though scares me that she could move on without first hearing me out.

 

Sarcasm is scarry!:-H

 

Here is how I see both sides. None of this is condescending in the least bit.


The easiest way (at least for me) to happily limit substance use is with a good partner. Now you are trying to be sober and you are without the one person you feel the closest to; I have been there but for different reasons. You need sensation and she seems like the closest healthy solution. It is no wander you miss her so much now.

On the other hand my little sister had a situation almost identical to what you described. When I found out about the situation with her boyfriend I was sure to support her staying away from him. No one can hurt you like a lover, and he was just too high risk. Perhaps he could change, but why should she go through the heartache of trying to help him change and even possibly failing. There are plenty of other people that could offer her a much better shot at happiness.

My personal advice for what it is worth, try again with someone else, this way you might be able to leave your baggage at the door. You will never be able to completely shed your skin with her and her family.

 

you fucked up you know that.
if you know where she work send her flower with a car saying i sorry and i miss you plz call me so we can talk
work ever time

 

HELL of a good idea man

 

work ever time make sure there real and red

 

From my own experience a bunch of flowers would mean nothing! Honestly - all I needed was to hear him say sorry - I didnt want him back, but to actually feel he was sorry was important. Just write down what you want to say in a card and send it to her at work - if the post doesnt get to her at home but then you really must leave it to her to decide what to do. I finally got my heart felt sorry a few weeks ago when he phoned to talk to his daughter, it was a bolt out of the blue but it was good to hear him finally admit what he did - and I was able to say to him "you know what you broke my heart but that was a long time ago, I am totally over it and now your just a name on a birth certificate" it felt good. But it also felt nice to hear him be really sorry! so only do it if you are genuinly sincere and good luck!

 

Murk ... all the candy flowers love and attention in the world can not strengthen that bridge back to her. No matter what we tell or suggest to you ultimatley the decision is hers.

You need to be patient. Find a way to reach her without the outside interferences (family / friends). Talk to her, proove to her that you see the errors of your way. Most importantly ... give it time. Stay clean it's a hard road and it will be a constant internal battle but if your strong enough and your love is as deep as you describe do it for her and if she feels the same way she'll come back.

What's that old saying ... if you love someone, love them enough to let them go. if they come back you know they were always yours. if they don't they were really never truely yours.

:rose:

 

i would say give her lots of time and space, but keep contact.

 

If she loves you, she'll come back.

If not, then, well.. move on.

 

Kind of sounds like you've already made up your mind on how you want this to go, and simply giving her time and space is not part of your plan.

So with that, I wish you the best of luck.

 

I've given her 8 months of time and space, i just want to talk to her to know how she is feeling with life, to know how she is and so she knows how i am

 

SM ... this is really not my way of suggesting or even considering the option because I much prefer the face time ... but it works for some people ...

and as a potential last resort (not knowing where either of you are - emotionally)

have you considered wrting her a letter (don't mail it) take it to her at work (or anywhere 'safe') give it to her smile and say 'I'm sorry'. Let her lead the conversation ... then turn and walk away. If she forgives you and still loves you to any capacity she will (i would think) reach back out to you.

If not sometimes it takes years (depending on how deep the hurt flows).

G'luck SM ...

 

It's strange hearing the other side of the argument. I just realized I went through this a few years back with a guy I was seeing. He was basically homeless when I met him. Hopping from friend's couch to friend's couch. He liked to fight (short temper) and do stupid things like vandalize shit for no reason. He wasn't into hard drugs. Just pot. But he was struggling and we became fast friends and we started dating. At the time I was a virgin so I wouldn't have any of "that" going on but we had fun together and when the semester ended I brought him home to my Mom's house and got him a job (even made him a fake ID since his license was suspended at the time).

I was just trying to help him get his feet under himself and let things go from there. Well, he decided that wasn't enough "expression of my love for him". So he slept around and made it fairly obvious he was checking out other chicks.

He finally got himself arrested for "contributing to the delinquency" at some party where he was the only person over 21 and then skipped out on the bail. Once school started again, I dropped him off and parted ways. I told him to keep away from me. That I had had enough. And one day he would see what he had done to me.

He got arrested again within a week or two of being back (don't remember what for) so when he served for that they sent him back to my town to serve his time for skipping bail. Not knowing anyone there, he went to my mom's house and she paid his bus fare and gave him 40 bucks to put in his pocket. When he got back up to where I went to school, I picked him up and dropped him off at his parents house. And I told him that would be the last time I saw him for a long time, if not ever.

Finally, about a year ago, he emailed telling me how stupid he was and how he was too dumb to appreciate all I tried to do for him. And how much he regrets all he did to me. And how everything he tries to do comes back to bite him in the ass. His life is falling apart and he can't get back to the person he was when he was with me...blah blah blah...

Long story somewhat shorter...I still haven't seen him. My mom passed away recently and he called to say how sorry he was he never got a chance to make it up to her.

I would have done anything for him. But he wasn't willing to wait for me to be ready for the sex stuff. And he wasn't ready to be an adult yet. He still emails from time to time to see if I'll see him again. To see if I'm single (which I'm not) etc, etc.

I'm engaged now, to a wonderful guy, and this idiot now (much too late) knows how badly he fucked up. He loves to tell me how much he needs me and wants me back and I just have to tell him that I moved on.

You had your chance. You fucked it up. It's sad, it's unfortunate. But it's true. Most people never find someone who'll love them no matter how fucked up they are. You did. And you let her get away.

She left you to teach you a lesson. Hopefully, the next time your life gets bad, you'll think about what drugs cost you and not do them. THAT'S the lesson she wanted you to learn. THAT'S the whole point of leaving your ass. To (hopefully) ensure you won't hurt yourself again. Because seeing you fall to ruin again would probably kill her....

And until you're able to say (without a doubt in your mind, pause on your breath, or tremor in your voice) that you will NEVER, EVER, EVER let that happen again, she can't...WON'T come back to you.

The pain you're experiencing is NOTHING compared to what she feels... knowing you need her (and you finally UNDERSTAND you need her) but knowing staying away is the best thing for you. It's eating her alive.

 

I knew i needed her, but i am an addict. i'm not going to say i am not at fault but until you are an addict you know nothing of the need that happens after an experience of loss. i was not a minor pot smoker who got bored and fooled around, I was a depressed individual who couldn't make it through life on my own or even with her shoulder so i sought to bury my pain in PCP which fucked me up worse then anything. i never meant to hurt her, i was just trying to keep my mind off of my pain and it got the best of me, as it always will, but i pulled myself together and i changed, and for her, because i knew thati had finally become an addict like i told myself i wouldn't again and her not being there sent me back down the spiral, but this time for her, i fought the craving and the addictions to actually become a functioning human being again. i cannot say that by myself if trouble was to befall me i couldn't turn back to drugs, i am an addict and as an addict i will always be an addict, i will always feel the cravings when things happen in my life but i know now that if i knew i would lose her, i would have fought it harder then let it take me over, i know i may sound hypocritical, but its a hard thing to face, i wasn't just doin it for the hell of it, its an addiction, weed is not addictive, but the shit i was on fuckin was