I've dealt with a couple of women who told me that I was a good person who should be more confident, etc. The strange thing is, after talking with these women I always felt worse about myself, and when I tried to assert myself they vanished on me.

I'm not saying that this is what's going on with your boyfriend, but it may help to be aware of the possibility. Regardless of what he says, how do you feel after talking with him?

 

he's always been the only guy who could ever make me feel beautiful. i get told it alot but no one ever makes me believe it like he can. he was the first person i trusted in a long time.

 

Does it make you feel beautiful to have him ask you if you'd hang out in the living room and watch CSI while he bangs the chick from around the block? And just because he's had a troubled past, been burned a few times, etc. doesn't make him sincere. I'm not saying he's a total scum bag, but you are having a lot of doubts about it and I think it's for a good reason. You know something about it stinks, you just don't want to admit it.

-S-

 

Sarai ... listen to these men. They have no reason to b/s you. You continue to defend Ron and the things he has said and done, trying to plead his case for him.

The plain and simple truth is that through his actions, he has once again made you feel like something is wrong with you. THAT IS NOT HOW A PARTNER SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL!! It sounds more like mind games than anything else.

 

i know i shouldn't be defending him, its an old habit.i spent so long defending him to my mother and my friends that it just comes as second nature to me. i can't help but love him.

 

You're text book co-depedant. If you don't know what that is, google it. Unless you make some big changes the odds that you ever have a truly fulfilling relationship are pretty slim. I'll tell you this right now: You can't change a man. No matter how many tears you shed for him or how hard you love him, he won't change for you. He'll only change if and when he wants to. But in the mean time he'll be more than happy to drag you down with him. You'll end up like those women who defend their abusive spouses. "He's so sweet when he's not hitting me in the face with a frying pan." "I know he put me in crutches, but he swears he won't do it again." :shock:

That might sound extreme to you, but you're already exhibiting the symptoms. You find a fixer-upper and think if you love him enough, he'll come around to your point of view. You won't listen, but I'm going to say it anyway...They never will.

-S-

 

i know what your saying, i helped my friend out of an abusive relationship just a few months ago, he would hit her and fractured her arm when she told him she wanted to leave him. she kept saying that she wouldn't leave him or tell his parents or hers because she didn't want him to "have a bad day". but that is something that ive already found out i can do. my first boyfriend punched me in the arm once and i kicked him in the nuts. ive already told ron that that is something my mom has raised me never to do, when people hit me i black out and when i come to someone is bloody and so far its never been me. the kind of abuse that im helpless against is emotional. i know that sounds like what all the abused women say, but all my sisters have been like this since our step dad used to abuse my mom with us in the room.

 

i know

i have that samo problem with grils

 

You can only blame your upbringing so much, after that it's a choice. Take me for example. My father is an ex-con alcoholic drug addict who spent more of my life in prison than out. My parents have been divorced since I was about 2 and my Mom has been married about 5 times. One to a guy who was abusive and beat me so bad one day with his belt I had blood blisters on my ass and the backs of my thighs. I've moved constantly, almost never staying in a place longer than a year at a time. The first time I ever really lived above the poverty line was when I moved out and went to college and was on my own.

But, what does that mean for me now? Well...not much. If you go by the numbers, I should be slumped over in a bar somewhere, sucking on a bottle of whiskey before going back and collapsing on a ratty bed in my trailer, a high school drop-out who works at a 3rd rate auto garage with kids in four counties and who hasn't filed taxes since Bush took office. My long-term goals being to make sure I've got enough money for ciggarettes and beer and to catch the NASCAR games.

Instead, I'm the first one in my family to graduate college, I'm fairly well educated, I don't even drink beer and have never smoked and the closest I've come to doing drugs is a peice of cake with some weed in it. I'm living abroad, enjoying life and the only complaint I have is I need to lose 30 .lbs and I need more money saved up.

I didn't come out of all that competely unscathed. I have intimacy issues and I'm a tad bit narcissitic, but overall things are better than I have any right to expect.

I don't tell you this so you can think "oh, poor Shake" and honestly, I really don't expect you to care. However, if every time things were difficult I said "I was abused when I was younger so I'm not responsible" I'd be in that trailer park with a hang-over and 8 dollars to my name. I'm not trying to make light of your life or to say you've had it easy, only saying that eventually, if you want to be the person you dream of being, and having the life you dream of having, you have to stop using your past as a crutch.

Sooner rather than later you're going to be faced with a decision to either stand up for yourself and demand better, or say to yourself that this is all you deserve. That single moment will define the outcome of the rest of your life. At that time anything we've said and anything everyone else has said won't matter a bit. It will only matter how much you believe in you.

That's all I have to say about that.

-S-

 

God, this makes me sad. There is soooo much wrong with this entire sequence of events, I can't even bring myself to comment about it in detail.

 

Guys are capable of saying words that are convincing enough to change any girl's way of thinking. I know it because I'm a guy too . 8)

You must wake up to reality that you're an individual and can stand on you're own feet with or without you're man. Start to love you're self first before you can "truely" love anybody else.

Otherwise, there's a lot of abusive dicks that's look at you as an ordinary hole to be penetrated. Sorry for being rude.

 

I agree with him.

 

Okay, my maternal instincts are re-engaging.

Sarai, the last two posters are correct. You're 18. You don't need a man to love you to validate your existence or your self-worth, especially at your young age. In fact, NOT falling in love would probably be the best thing for you right now.

As many others have noted, you're exhibiting some of the classic symptoms of co-dependency, to the point of battered-wife syndrome. You need to get some help for that, from someone you can trust.

As for your erstwhile boyfriend, first of all, I can't believe you actually love someone you've never even met, but if you ever DO meet, he sounds like he's quite prepared to simply use you. I'm glad he was at least honest enough to TELL you he was planning to use you, but it's small comfort, and your neediness only encourages him.

Have some respect for yourself, sweetie, you're better than this.

 

Here's a suggestion, why don't you focus you're attention to something more usefull for you. Like engage in any sports, mountain climbing, compose a story for xnxx :twisted: (female domination topic would help you a lot, I think), read a book, etc. There's a lot of things life can give you.

Read this several times:

"Men are just dicks unless they know how to give respect and importance to you"

 

Shake was absolutely right. I grew up in a shitty situation and I blamed everybody else but that got me into a very bad place and left me with nothing but more depression. You have to decide not to become a statistic. You can't use your upbringing as a crutch for not doing what you want in life

 

God, how bad did I want to say that. I figured if I did though I'd be labeled some kind of insensitive clod and hounded out of this thread for not understanding the possibilities of online love or something. But, since you said it, now I can just whole heartedly agree. :wink:

-S-

 

Sarai,

I am sorry you are going through this. Ron sounds too immature to support your relationship and appears to be hedging his bets by not wanting to commit to you. Depending on your age, commitment in a relationship does not need to mean marriage but it should mean that the relationship is the focus. Things don't always work out but unless two people are going to focus on each other and stay committed to each other, there is no hope for a long term relationship. Some may not appreciate my analogy but a personal relationship is like a car lease: you only drive one car during the lease but in the end you may or may not take the buy-out option.

If he is unwilling to stay committed to you... dump him. You deserve someone better. If you need to defend him, take a step back (which you already have done) and really look at him. Is he what you want for ever?

 

Strange thing is, today I've done something that baller told me I should do. I looked at it from someone else's point of view, and I didn't like it. Not just all that stuff up there, but the fact that I never really liked myself.

Today was the beinning of spirit week at my school. Cowboy day. On my way home I looked down at the outfit I was wearing and realized that I have an attractive body, that I could at least admit that to myself. Then I was walking by the car wash and one of the guys that works there clapped at me. Made me blush and also made me aware that I was wrong about no one in this town finding me attractive.

From just these little things, that probably wouldn't mean much to someone they happen to every day, I realized that I didn't need to think about marriage now. Then I decided I was going to give the guy I lost my virginity too a break, I was going to stop being so clingy and dependent, I asked him not even an hour ago if he considered me his girlfriend or his fuck buddy, and made it quiet clear that I was ok with either one. His answer was the we were somewhere in the middle. That was the first time I was able to get him to answer a question of how he felt about "us" and I wasn't needy, clingy, or dependent when I asked.

Now I know I can't stop loving Ron, but I have also realized that if he wants to have sex with other girls and still be with me, there are plenty of men who would love to be my "fuck buddy". For the first time in a long time my mind is not spinning with what ifs. I owe alot of it to everyone here, the compliments I've gotten have helped boost my self-esteem.

I know this kind of change doesn't happen over night, and I know I'll probably lapse back into the low self-esteem swing of things every now and then, but now I am confident I can pull myself out of it. I think this is my first step to having a good, independent life.

Love you all *big hugs and kisses* thank everyone so much. Especially you Shake.

 

You have seriously ... and I do mean SERIOUSLY ... warmed my heart with that. Without sounding like a gigantic dork, can I say I'm proud of you?

I would love to just give you a big old hug!!

Welcome to the rest of your life, Sarai!!

 

Awwww. Now I'm all faklempt.

-S-